Rev. Olatunji Ayeni is a retired Senior Deputy Registrar of the Council for the Regulation of Engineering in Nigeria and now the Head Counselor of Gilead Marriage Ministry (Counseling). He’s the author of “Healing Wounds in Marriage’’, a speciality to which he is very committed with passion. In an this interview with ADEDAYO ADEJOBI, Ayeni added his voice to the growing concern on same sex marriage, interfaith marriage, the nature of marriage and family life in the African setting from a scriptural perspective, amongst others. Excerpts:
Same sex union and marriage has continued to generate debate the world over. While some would argue that homosexuals are being denied the fundamental right to marry the patterns of their choice, many others see it as abuse of nature and sacrilegious. More alarming is the fact that it’s gaining ground in Nigeria. What is your stand point on same sex marriage?
I am looking at this matter from the perspective of God who created us and established the institution of marriage and its ordinance. In order not to keep us in doubt or ignorant of anything concerning our relationship with Him, with ourselves and about the beginning of the world to the end of it, He gave us a manual, the Bible, which is a lamp unto our feet, and a light unto our path.
These are God’s pronouncements on this matter as contained in the Bible: God established heterosexual or monogamous marriage between one man, Adam, and a woman, Eve: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” The above was confirmed and reinforced by Jesus Christ when he said: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.” God legislates against homosexual marriage: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. God abandoned those who practised homosexual marriage: “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient.”
The above are the stand of God on this matter. However, it is not imperative for anybody to comply. God does not force anything on human beings; His is only to tell us His will, which is always in our interest and the consequences of rejecting to comply with it. So those who are practicing homosexual or are fighting for the legalization of same marriage are exercising their God given liberty to do whatever they want. One thing is clear and sure, the wrought of God is awaiting those who flout His laws.
The issue of inter faith marriage, traditionally called mixed marriage, is distinct from the concept of religious conversation, religious assimilation, cultural assimilation, religious affiliation and apostasy. But in spite of the distinction, it is on the increase globally. Some religious doctrines’ prohibit inter faith marriage while others allow it. What in your opinion should be the standard?
God is always very simple and clear in His pronouncement on anything to us to avoid misunderstanding. But man is an expert in twisting the word of God to suit their selfish interests. For this purpose the Bible describes them this way: “Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fool. Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature.” The stand of God is very clear on this for a true Christian to understand. The Bible ruled against inter-religion marriages. Christianity is unique with doctrines peculiar to it. Any religion that is averse to these are not recognised by Christianity, therefore, their members are regarded as unbelievers. Corinthians 15:33 warns: “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.” No matter how strong you are, choose the wrong friend or mate, and you’ll be corrupted. Not everyone believes that. That’s why Scripture prefaces this warning with the words, “Be not deceived. A careful look at the context reveals that ‘bad company’ is not necessarily people we would normally think of as being ‘bad,’ but people whose belief about Jesus is faulty, even though they might claim to be Christian and live moral lives. Christianity is unique among all the religions of the world. Christianity is more than a creed, more than a religion; it is a way of life for all who accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. Although it has its roots in Judaism, Christianity is not Judaism or a mixture of Judaism nor does it share any doctrine with Islamic religion. It is a way of life, of salvation, the full expression of the gospel of the grace of God for this age in which God is visiting the Gentiles and “taking from among [them] a people for His name” Christianity doesn’t share the same faith and doctrinal practices with any other religion. Therefore, whichever religion a man is into, so far it is not Christianity, it is a taboo for a Christian to enter into any relationship, whatsoever, with an unbeliever without clashes of interests which will surely lead to compromise of faith of the Christian partner thereby polluting his/her status as a true believer. In addition, the relationship cannot but breed incessant conflicts, which, at times, may lead to spiritual, physical, psychological and emotional trauma. This is not all the reprobate Christian is eventually becoming a candidate of hell, making her loose on both sides – on earth here and heaven
Exploring the nature of marriage and family, how can an ideal family structure work successfully?
I am taking the word “family” to mean the families of the husband and the wife. As usual, God had envisaged the complications in-laws can constitute to their children’s marriage. This is why Jesus prescribes the following marriage ordinance: “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” [Matthew 19:5&6].The matrimonial union is more intimate and binding than even paternal or filial affection. The couple has and shares the same thing in common; they are one; they are thus so separated from their parents to build their unique own family on mutual agreement irrespective of their parental stands. No two marriages are the same; therefore, parents are not allowed to prevail on the mode of their marital life so far the union is operating of the principles laid down by God on marriage. Many marriages have been ruined as a result of wrong intervention of in-laws in the marriage of their children and siblings.
This does not mean that children cannot learn from the marriage of their parents but not on the dictation and imposition of their parents. To have a successful and an ideal family and marriage structure requires basin the relationship purely and absolutely on the pattern prescribed by God Who established the institution. This means the TWO mates [husband and wife] must agree to apply the WISDOM of God and not the wisdom of the world. “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.” [1Co 3:19]. So is the wisdom of God foolishness to the world. The moment the way of a couple starts to be wise in the opinion of the world [unbelievers] that moment the marriage is going down the drain.
How have you managed to help couples understand the nature of marital and family relationship and the changes that come in these relationships?
Christianity is universal; as a result there are no tribal or regional differences in doctrine and practices. This is because the scripture on which it is operating is “given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” [2Timothy 3:16] Since the Holy Spirit He is teaching the same thing.
Therefore, the Bible teaches the same moral standard including that of guiding the institution of marriage in all its a
spects and ramifications. Since problems and reactions of man to them are also universal and as it was in the beginning, so it is now and so will it be till the end of the world. Consequently Christian counseling methods are universal, strictly based on the teachings of the Bible.
What exact strategy or techniques of pacing and reframing do you employ to assist people in moving forward, especially in marital issues?
The world specialises in making a mountain out of a mole of all things including the teachings of the Bible to make it difficult for the ordinary man to comprehend. This is why Apostle Paul cautious that we should “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.” [Colossians 2:8]. The Bible teachings and techniques are so ordinary for the grasping and application of all if only the Bible is read with diligence. There is no issue concerning the relationship between human beings that are not provided for in the Bible and techniques provided are exemplified by Jesus. These are teaching, encouraging personal Bible study, preaching and evangelism. The counseling aspect is the work of the Holy Spirit working through counselors.
To have a successful and an ideal family and marriage structure requires basin the relationship purely and absolutely on the pattern prescribed by God Who established the institution. This means the TWO mates [husband and wife] must agree to apply the WISDOM of God and not the wisdom of the world. “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.” [1Co 3:19]. So is the wisdom of God foolishness to the world. The moment the way of a couple starts to be wise in the opinion of the world [unbelievers] that moment the marriage is going down the drain. Any other way is sinking sand.
How many years have you been married? What have been the high points, fulfillments, challenges, success story?
I have been married since 1984, twenty-seven years ago. The best thing God has done for me is the gift of my wife to me; she is the only one who understands my peculiarities and can cope with them. Unknown to her, she is God-sent to me to live a fulfilling Christian life, while on her side she always claims that it is her association with me in life that turned her to a true child of God; she is always grateful for this. This means we are designed for each other for the purpose of God.
This is not to say there had not been moments of serious challenges; the saving grace is our unity in Christ to confront sources of such challenges. What is spectacular there is that each challenge makes our relationship stronger and brings us closer to God, “[counting] it all joy when [we] fall into divers temptations”. [James 1:2] Many of our ways of our relationship are just stupid to ordinary men; unless we are dealing with co-believers, we don’t declare our stand. There are so many things we cannot say we are doing, otherwise they will laugh at us. This is because we pattern our marriage according to the wisdom of God. It saves us from so many problems. Our success story has to do with our jointly being in Christ with all our children in Christ and our having a ministry “Gilead Evangelical Mission Intl.” which affords us to serve God and humanity.