Moreover, everybody knew when the pretty babe was going to him for prayers.
Like all babes who had fallen into the clutches of such ministers of God, she too went for prayers to secure a husband.
I hear you….I hear you…please don’t insult me…what if it was my friend that told me the story? Is the story not true?
Abeg leave wetin dem write for motor bodi, enter motor!
Okay, let me gist you about the one I witnessed myself.
It happened around Ramadan period.
I covered the story myself…it was quite funny…and yes, I’ve told you guys the story before.
A mother of four felt she needed spiritual help from an Alfa.
Why? I like your questioning…you dey fire like soldiers…
Yes, her husband abandoned her with four children…he moved in with his mistress and didn’t give a hoot whether she and the kids lived or died…
I just had this feeling…this had happened to somebody before.
But who? Too many women fool!
Yes O, to many of us…the life of a woman…so saddening…whether he stays or leaves for another woman…you got to struggle and take care of your kids…makes me mad and sad.
Anyway, she told me that all she wanted was for him to think of the kids and come over to drop feeding money for them sometimes.
But bah, the SOB didn’t even glance back.
And the woman was just a road side rice seller. But I must give it to her, she was pretty, in a local sort of way if you know I mean.
Fair complexioned, tall and…what’s the word I’m looking for?….
When the situation was becoming too tough to handle, she decided to go to an Alfa.
The Alfa asked her to bring some money and live chickens. She didn’t have money, but she went to borrow…so desperate was she.
The Alfa did whatever it was he promised to do. But hey, guess what?
The SOB didn’t come to ask for his kids and didn’t come home.
She went back to the Alfa…and this is where the game started. He said that for it to really work, he would have to use blade and make some incisions on the upper part of her honey well.
According to her, she accepted…and before one could say Jack Robison, Alfa had banged her silly, pouring and shouting in joyful release, not caring that it was Holy period!
When her husband still didn’t come home, she felt she had been had. She went to the police.
Alfa was dragged to police station. He repeatedly denied sleeping with her.
She started running about the interrogation room, shouting..Odomi O!…Odomi O!…Odomi O!…please don’t force me to translate…ask the Yoruba speaking guy sitting next to you!
I went with her to the bathroom, sure enough, the incisions were just beginning to heal.
I asked if she could describe the Alfa’s candy bar.
She said: “It’s short and fat!”
To cut a long story short…the silly sex, led to pregnancy! Poor woman.
A friend of mine, discussing these randy ministers of God, told me her own experience.
It happened before she got married. She was single and searching back then. She was getting worried because husband was nowhere in sight and her biological clock was ticking.
Friends started taking her to various churches. She got interested in one of the churches. Started attending their services with her friend. Sometimes the pastor would invite them to come over to his house for prayers.
Then one day, the pastor told her that she urgently needed a special prayer, if she truly wanted a husband.
But of coupe she wanted a husband…why else would she be tramping to churches and mosques.
The pastor told her that she needed a spiritual sort of prayer, which would be done with…guess what….
Ha! Why am I even wasting time…you’ll never in your wildest imagination imagined what?…you want a clue…a clue?….really?
Okay, something whitish and slippery like pap….yeah, you got it the first time. Sperm!
I’ve heard of many ridiculous things in my life, but that a spinster, who needed a husband, should use sperm to bath is simply a case begging to be tabled before a psychiatrist. Or what do you think?
The lady didn’t bother to ask where the sperm would come from. She naively assumed that the pastor had done such prayers before and thus probably knew how to source for the sperm that would be used for such prayers.
Let’s cut to the chase here…
Prayer day dawned….pastor picked his home as the venue, not the church.
She went.
Pastor told her to undress…take off her briefs…
What! She screamed in shock…
Pastor gently explained that he would need to insert his candy bar into the opening of her honey….
Pastor said: “Don’t mistake me sister…I’m not keen in banging you…my candy bar will only touch the outer entry of your honey…to herald my sperm to come forth…it’s that sperm that you’ll use to bath…so that you’ll get your own husband…or you don’t want your own husband?”
Useless man!
He wanted to put the cap of the candy bar, but not the body…who go gree to such craze?
That was the end of the spiritual bath for the sister.
But must every woman marry to be happy?
I don’t think so! Let’s discuss this before this month runs out!
What about me…oh yes, I don see 10-10.
Mine was not even getting a husband….I know…I know…I know I’ve told you the story before, but please humour me again…I just love telling the story…and yes, I know I’ve told it for the umpteenth time.
Anyway, whether you like it or not, I’ll tell the story…this page is my turf! Go jump enter gutter!
Yes O, I was still an undergraduate…the guy said I needed prayers to avert danger, death on campus…
The morning of the prayer dawned…like the classical poetry of ‘Least We Should Be The Last,’ characters, who left everything in a hurry. I and my cousins left home in the morning hours, while people were still snoring in their warm beds.
I was the first into the prayer room.
He locked the door…I didn’t sense anything amiss until he asked me to strip naked.
Awww….I don do mumu tireee…like person wey dem jazz, I dropped down my jean…I was as naked as a jailbird…
When he beheld my bum bum and clean shaven kini, his soldier became riotous. It wanted to tear out of the trouser…I could hear it…Ha pastor!
Hummmm…Anyway, you’ve heard the story before…you already knew what transpired…let me not bore you.
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