I recently heard of a case of a young man who called off his wedding a month to the day because he found out that his bride-to-be had slept with “a lot of men”. I do not have the exact figure and “a lot of men” can be quite relative sometimes. Anyway, this man felt the number of men was too much for him to contend with.
The interesting part of this story is that it was the bride-to-be who told her groom-to-be about this “a lot of men”.
In the spirit of being open and not hiding anything for her spouse, she decided to spill the beans. After all, they were going to be man and wife. To be together forever. And she didn’t want to hide anything from him.
Now, who do we blame? The woman for being open or the man for betraying the trust she had in him?
Well, while I don’t know how many “a lot of men” are, I want to believe they were in her past though. She probably wanted a clean slate before marriage and that’s why she told her groom-to-be, but it backfired on her.
This is why a lot of women hide their past from their partners. It is always the case that once a man gets to know about a woman’s past, especially when it’s not palatable, he starts to treat her differently and in some cases loses interest completely as was the case of the story. She lost a potential groom sadly and I am sure she will not make the mistake of talking about her past to any man again. Let’s face it, the past is the past and should not define the future.
It is very interesting because if the reverse was the case, the woman would be expected not to act the same way. It seems a man is allowed to sleep with as many women as he so pleases without feeling less of himself, but the woman is supposed to hide her face in shame in the same circumstances. It is indeed a man’s world. While I’m not advocating for women to be promiscuous, I believe men should be held to the same standard as women.
Now, to the matter of disclosing one’s sexual history, while it is a laudable gesture, it should be done with discretion. I know it is common to be curious about our partner’s sexual experiences, both present and past. However, while their present sexuality may be relevant to the current relationship, their past experiences are often not.
The decision to share your sexual history with your partner is a personal one, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It ultimately depends on the individuals involved, the nature of the relationship, and the level of comfort and trust established between partners. While some couples may find it helpful to discuss their sexual past, others may choose to keep that information private.
If you are in doubt about this, here are a few considerations that could help you make up your mind:
1. Trust and intimacy: Spilling the beans and being honest with your partner about your past sexual experiences can help build intimacy and trust and this can deepen the emotional connection between you both. It also helps to build a foundation of trust, which is important for a healthy and successful relationship.
2. Communication and understanding: Having a discussion about your sexual history can foster open and honest communication about desires, boundaries and expectations. It allows both partners to express their needs and preferences. Partners are better able to navigate potential challenges because there is an understanding. They can then work together to build a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship.
3. Health considerations and concerns: Sharing your sexual history is important for addressing concerns related to sexual health. When you both disclose previous Sexually Transmitted Infections, you and your partner can make informed decisions about protection and seek appropriate medical care if necessary.
4. Jealousy and insecurity: In some cases, jealousy and insecurity can set in when one partner knows about the other partner’s sexual past. However, discussing these concerns openly and honestly can help address these emotions and build a stronger foundation of trust.
5. Boundaries and privacy: Boundaries and privacy are important parts of a relationship and should be respected. Sharing your sexual history may be beneficial, but for some people, it can be uncomfortable discussing their past experiences. And that choice should be respected. It is important to create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners can feel free to share or withhold information based on their comfort levels.
6. Emotional baggage and judgments: It is important to consider the potential impact of sharing your sexual history. Some individuals may carry emotional baggage from past experiences, and knowing about these experiences can affect their emotional well-being. Additionally, sharing intimate details about previous partners might lead to comparisons or judgments, which can negatively impact the relationship. It is essential to approach these conversations with empathy, understanding and a non-judgmental mindset.
7. Timing and context: The timing and context of sharing your sexual history are very important. It is advisable to have such conversations when the relationship has developed a solid foundation of trust, openness, and emotional connection. Rushing into these discussions too early may create undue pressure or discomfort. It is important to find the right balance and consider the emotional readiness of both partners before delving into these topics.
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Finally, the decision to share or not to share your sexual history with your partner is a personal one. It should be based on open communication, respect for privacy and consideration for each other’s emotional well-being. Do not feel pressured to share. Whatever you decide should first be in your interest and then that of your partner.
I would love to get feedback, questions and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.
Let’s meet tonight (Friday) in the chatroom. If you want to be a part of it, send me a message on Telegram at: @tiwa_says. The chatroom opens at 10pm every Friday.
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#tiwa_says; 09161129108 tiwalolaoke@yahoo.com.
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