I got a visit from a newly-wedded couple recently. They were both young. But while the woman married as a virgin, the man was more sexually experienced. I wondered what the problem could be.
I thought every man’s dream was to marry a virgin. He should be proud and fulfilled. This young man was neither.
After narrating to me how his wedding night was everything, but blissful, he said that since that night, his wife cried every time they had sex. The wedding night being difficult is typical for a lot of new couples, especially if the bride is a virgin. So that wasn’t much of an issue. But for it to be a continuous occurrence is where the problem is.
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This young man told me that his wife does not let him see her naked. She gets undressed in the bathroom and gets under the duvet anytime they want to have sex. He loves foreplay, but every time he touches and kisses her all over, she starts to cry. The young man is confused.
I asked if she had ever had an orgasm. She said no. I asked her why and she said that every time she felt very aroused, she felt like she was committing a sin and she would start to cry and lose interest.
This was interesting to me, but I had to be sure what I was dealing with. I asked the husband to vacate the room, after which I asked her if she had ever been abused. She replied in the negative, but said that she came from a family of five sisters, with very strict parents. They were sexually repressed from a young age. Apart from the fact that all five of them were circumcised, they were not allowed to talk to boys. And if you so much as smiled at the opposite sex, you were seen as a sinner who was going straight to hell.
Now I understood where her problem originated from. She had a lot of unlearning to do. And the good thing is that she is willing.
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There are a lot of people in this kind of predicament, mostly women, who are imprisoned by their own minds and social conditioning. It is distressing to see that even in this time where sex is everywhere, it is still an uncomfortable topic. Religious beliefs, traditions and social conditioning have a major roles to play in this.
Sexual guilt, however, is self-imposed. It’s your mind holding you back from free and spontaneous expressions of your sexual desires. We hide in a shell, judging ourselves and our feelings towards sex and perceiving sex and our feelings towards it as unclean.
This emotion makes sex impersonal and mechanical. It’s impossible to feel sexy if we have feelings of guilt. The sexual guilt we carry with us is directly proportional to the pleasure we don’t feel.
So where does sexual guilt come from?
No one was born with this emotion. As children, we were sexually adventurous, innocently touching our genitals with no sense of shame or embarrassment. For us, it was a journey of discovery, wonder and a feeling of pleasure.
All that comes to an end when an adult makes us feel guilty or embarrassed about what we are doing by saying things like:
- Touching yourself will make you go blind
- Stop touching your wee-wee, it’s bad.
- Good girls don’t touch themselves.
- It’s a sin to touch yourself.
From these comments and consequential punishments, we gradually learnt the emotion of sexual guilt from adults. It would be unfair to blame our parents or adults for this because their attitude towards sex comes from their parents who also inherited these taboos, ignorance and religious misinformation.
The good thing is that sexual guilt is a learned emotion so it can be unlearned. Unlearning sexual guilt will involve letting go of other people’s programming and perception of your sexuality so you can be:
- Free to express your desires
- Free to be creative and confident
- Free in your feelings
- Free to experience your pleasure the way you choose.
It can be difficult to “unlearn” long-term habits, but it is needed for healthy growth and development as you work to overcome your sexual guilt.
Here are three ways to unlearn sexual guilt:
- Turn guilt into pleasure. Allow pleasure to inhibit guilt and not the other way around. Take a step-by-step approach to ease whatever it is that makes you feel sexual guilt by getting closer to that pivotal point, but never close enough to feel guilty. Remain relaxed, but sexually excited enough to feel pleasure. You may need a lot of sexual pleasure to block a little guilt and work your way up to an intense arousal state where you feel comfortable, warm, relaxed and yet very sexual. You have to be conscious in making sure that pleasure always wins and guilt always loses. That way, you will learn how to feel and build pleasure while unlearning guilt. A new learning can only take place with repetition. You learn to face guilt because what used to provoke discomfort will now inspire pleasure. You unlearn the guilt you used to feel. Sex isn’t always neat and clean. It can get messy, but that’s also what can make it fun and exciting.
- Reflection and expression: Most of what we have learned about sex and sexuality is from porn, media, our friends and other unreliable sources. We don’t take the time to get to know our mind and body to ask ourselves: What turns me on? How do I feel emotionally and spiritually about my desires? You are the longest and closest lover you have. Take the time to learn about your body. Learn about your desires, pleasures and how you want to express yourself. This will help you figure out your truth instead of relying on others to tell you what you are supposed to think and feel.
- Self pleasure and sexual confidence: Self-pleasure increases our self-confidence. When we know what we need and want, we increase our emotional and physical connection to ourselves. Knowing what we are capable of experiencing and how our body receives pleasure allows us to feel great comfort with our choices and creates stronger boundaries with our partners. You can never truly give to another what you have not accepted for yourself. When you know how to give yourself pleasure, you don’t need anyone else’s validation or permission
Finally, sexual pleasure is your right as a human being and it is perfectly normal to feel and enjoy sexual pleasure. There is nothing shameful or sinful about craving or enjoying sexual pleasure. You must explore your sexuality and find what works for you. You should not be ashamed to explore your body. If you don’t know how your body works, how would your partner know? It is also important to know and set your boundaries. You don’t have to engage in every practice just because other people are doing it. Always keep communication open with your partner.
Sex is for pleasure, it will be a shame and a waste not to indulge.
I would love to hear your comments: 09161129108 (WhatsApp); Telegram: p@tiwa_says; and email: [email protected].