Intimacy to most people means sex but it’s so much more than that. Intimacy is closeness between people in a relationship.
It is built over time as you connect with someone, grow to care about each other, and feel more and more comfortable during your time together.
It can include physical or emotional closeness or even a mix of the two. Again Intimacy isn’t synonymous with sex even though it’s usually used in that context. It’s possible to have sex without intimacy as well as intimacy without sex.
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It is important to note though that intimacy feels different for different people. One may feel close to a partner while you are watching a movie together, while the other person can’t wait to take a walk after the movie to feel closer to the partner.
Each person’s idea of intimacy is influenced by their interests, communication style, or preferred ways to get to know someone. And there are different types of intimacy.
Here are some:
– Emotional intimacy is what allows you to tell your loved ones personal things that you might not necessarily share with strangers. Think of it as letting your guard down and being vulnerable. As you begin to trust someone, you feel safe enough to let your guards down around them. It’s a feeling of being open without judgement.
– Intellectual intimacy involves getting to know how another person’s mind works and sharing the map to your mind too. It builds as you exchange ideas and have meaningful conversations. When two people are able to have deep and long conversations without getting bored, it’s a pointer to a deeper connection and this type of connection is important in relationships. These moments brought you closer because you shared intellectual intimacy fosters a bond between partners.
– Physical intimacy is about touch and closeness between bodies. In a romantic relationship, it might include holding hands, cuddling, kissing and sex. You should know that physical intimacy doesn’t have to start and end with sex.
– Experiential intimacy is built by spending quality time with someone and growing closer over common interests and activities. There’s nothing quite like the way you bond with someone over your mutual love of a sport or hobby.
– Spirituality means different things to different people. So spiritual intimacy can vary too. Generally speaking, spirituality is about belief in something beyond the physical realm of existence. That belief can be in a higher power, in human souls, or in a greater purpose, for example. Spiritual intimacy can look like sharing a common value like kindness, being on the same wavelength about organised religion, or feeling like you were meant to be in each other’s lives.
As wonderful as intimacy is between couples, it is important to note that it is a process and there are factors that determine it.
Trust
In order to share personal parts of yourself – like your most embarrassing secrets or your deepest fears – you have to be able to trust your partner. Showing another person that you’re trustworthy can help them feel closer to you too.
Acceptance
You know you’ve established some intimacy when you feel like a person accepts you for who you truly are. When you first meet someone, you might worry that they may not fully understand and accept you. But as intimacy grows, you feel more comfortable to share deeper parts of yourself.
Honesty
Honesty and intimacy feed one other. You often can’t have one without the other. You feel comfortable telling your partner exactly how you feel in part because you’ve become so close to each other. And in the same vein, every time you open up, you can grow a little bit closer. You’ll know your partner is willing to listen the next time you want to share something personal.
Safety
Sharing your deepest, truest self with another person can put you in a pretty vulnerable position. That’s why you tend to have your guard up when you meet someone new. You don’t yet know if they’ll support you as you are. So, intimacy means feeling safe enough to take the risk of putting yourself out there, knowing the other person cares enough not to let you down.
Compassion
Everyone wants to feel cared for. Compassion is a natural component of caring about one another’s well-being. Forgiveness and understanding can only exist when there’s compassion between people.
Affection
Caring about each other is one thing, but you also build intimacy by showing that you care. Affection can be physical, like a kiss between lovers, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes affection is in the unspoken ways you show up for each other.
Communication
There’s a reason why good communication is so often named as the key to a healthy relationship. When you make an effort to listen to someone and tell them how you really feel, you can build a deep understanding for each other. And the more you understand each other, the closer you become
Intimacy usually doesn’t happen in a flash — it must be built. It is more like a quality that you continue to cultivate over time. The more time you spend sharing experiences and feelings, the more elements you have to work with to build intimacy.
And it doesn’t always come easy. You might feel some apprehension, or even fear, about building intimacy. That’s understandable, considering that intimacy requires you to be vulnerable and put faith in other people when there’s a chance they’ll let you down.
If someone has ever violated your trust, it can take a while to want to take a chance with them or anyone else again. But once you have it, it can have a tangible effect on your health and relationship.
So, why risk intimacy if there’s a chance of getting hurt? Well, intimacy comes with some health benefits that you simply can’t get any other way. Deep companionship helps you combat loneliness and feel like somebody “gets you.”
It also helps your mental health, reducing your stress level as your feel-good hormones get a boost from touch like hugs and emotional release like laughter. In fact, intimacy can actually boost your immune system, lower your blood pressure, and reduce your risk for heart disease.
It’s normal for relationships to feel stagnant over time as life gets in the way and you settle into a routine that’s not as adventurous as when you first met.
Here are some ideas for sparking or reigniting intimacy in any relationship:
Make it a point to show your appreciation
Take time to tell the other person what you appreciate about them. Show your gratitude, which can take the form of gifts, favours, or a simple “thank you.”
Make an effort to learn about each other
Once you’ve known someone for a long time, it can feel like the “mystery” is gone. But people and relationships grow and change over time. There’s always more to learn. Swap stories, ask questions, and play games like “20 Questions” to keep gathering new information. The key to this is listening so you can build a real understanding of what the other person cares about and why.
Set aside time for each other
If you’re not paying attention, it’s easy for time to fly by without sharing quality time. So make it a priority! Plan a weekly date night, a monthly board game night, or a nightly moment to check in one-on-one before bedtime, away from the kids or other responsibilities.
Unplug and focus on each other
Spending time together without electronics can give you a chance to give each other some undivided attention.
Show physical affection (even without sex)
If you have a sexual relationship, then mixing things up with new toys, outfits, and fantasies can keep things from getting dull. But you can also build intimacy by making it a point to show physical affection without sex. With warm gestures and cuddles, you can remember that joining your bodies together is about more than just “getting off.”
Tackle a project together
Restore a piece of furniture, learn a new skill like baking, or teach your old dog some new tricks. Whatever the project, working toward a goal with a loved one can cultivate bonding time, make invaluable memories, and give you something new to look forward to together.
Talk about what intimacy means to you
Building intimacy doesn’t have to be a guessing game. An easy way to figure out how to build intimacy is to just talk about it! Tell your loved one how you’d like to spend time together and what activities help you feel closer. Listen when they tell you the same.
Building intimacy is one of the most rewarding ways to enrich your life. It is a key building block for a happy, healthy and fulfilling life and relationships. Give yourself permission to seek out the meaningful connections you deserve.
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