Ha! Ha! Ha! So you don’t know who is Mr. ATM?
Well, don’t bother your pretty head trying to decipher or decode my meaning.
Please give me the honour to explain.
If you’re married and banging another babe, then you’re Mr. ATM!
What are you good for? Definitely not good enough in bed for her…you’re only good because of your money.
Yes O, you’re nothing but a money dispensing machine! Take that to the bank!
You think she smiles like a fool every time she sees you because you’re Mr. wonderful or what?
Na all lies! You’re not wonderful anything. You’re her number one mugu!
Yes O! Go and ask any happening babe these days. Their married lovers are no longer called mugu, but ATM!
Check their phones…you’ll see mugu one…mugu two…
Those are the fools filling their bank accounts with money. Yes O! These happening babes now call these men ‘my ATM.’ Are you an ATM too? You know you’re!
As far as some of these babes are concerned, these men are no good to them, if not for their money.
What good is a married man to a single girl anyway?
Can he bang better than her boyfriend who’s still playing the field?
I don’t think so, but of course, we can debate it!
So don’t go fooling yourself that she’s nuts over you…or that she’ll die for your sugar stick. Na lies!
You’re as good as the last dough you gave to her. No dough…no love!
Try out my theory and see how long you’d last in her bed! Not for long, that’s for sure.
Some of these married men are even monkeys in bed, but the babe allows him to feel like a superstar because of the dough she wants to collects from him.
Yes, I’m pretty angry!
When something is wrong, we should be able to say it’s wrong, even though we can’t help ourselves.
Extra-marital affairs are not right, and no reason to justify it.
But I know…just as you know that there are idiots outside…men…who can’t help themselves where anything in skirt is concerned.
Ha! Same goes for some women…women who go weak and get all wet at the sight of a bulging manhood, mirrored out on a tight fitting trouser…women who swoon with desires at the sight of bulging biceps…at the sight of sinews covered arms…at the sight of a muscular arse!
I feel for their helplessness…but that does not mean it’s right.
I was telling my friend, Olowokere, this same thing.
It was his idea of trying to make wrong seem right, to justify men having affairs that got me so pissed!
I went to his office…met this woman complaining about her husband.
Was it really a complaint…thinking back now, I don’t think so.
It was more of an observation…stating the obvious…like she was used to her husband philandering and had resigned herself to it.
I later heard that her husband was one of those men, who have a ball which can take on not just eleven players, but also the goalkeeper.
Anything in skirt goes for him.
There’s no class, no discrimination. To him, a hole is a hole! A bad case!
When she left, Olowokere and I started naturally to talk about her situation.
I told him I didn’t like her stance…this attitude like the world had come to an end… like there was nothing anymore in life to look forward to…to be happy about.
Listen you sisters out there…if your marriage sucks, it’s up to you to make yourself happy.
Stop deluding yourself that your happiness is with a husband who doesn’t give a fig about you. Ok?
I told him that 95 per cent of married men have mistresses, lovers. So why give yourself stomachache over that? Some men flaunt it, some hide it, but somehow, the wife always gets to know.
The terrible thing about such affairs and knowledge of it is that it can never be erased from memory, no matter how apologetic, remorseful, the guy/babe later turned out to be. It can crack and crash the strongest marriage foundation.
Why, so women know their husbands’ mistresses names. Yes, it’s as bad as that in some homes!
Why? My girlfriend told me the other day that she was forced to be rude to her husband’s mistress, because the babe called her husband at home.
The guy works in Ibadan and on rare occasions comes home for the weekends. It was on one of those rare occasions that the mistress called him at home.
Person wey just reach his house…person wey she dey with since weeks…yeye babe…she no even want him to go see wife abi?
He was not in the sitting room…the phone was ringing forever.
My friend picked the phone and saw the name…it was her!
You know that the housewives always call the mistress ‘her.’ I don’t know why they do. Whether you call her by her name or not, the fact is that she’s in your husband’s life and bed. Refusing to address her by name wouldn’t erase the relationship or make her to disappear!
Apparently furious that the girl wouldn’t allow him time with his family, my friend picked the call and yelled…
Kai! I’ve forgotten the name of the babe O!
Ohhhhh…it’s like I’m beginning to lose my touch…how can I forget such an important information?
Anyway, she yelled the girl’s name and told her in no uncertain term to wait until her husband’s returned to Ibadan before telling him whatever she had to tell him. She asked her to allow him spend the weekend with them in peace.
Heeeen…if na me…if na me…the babe go know say khaki no be leather!
To me, it was as if me and my friend were begging. Let’s face the truth…you can lose your man if you don’t beg some of them. They don’t want him, yet they don’t want the wife to have him. He’s their ATM. Before some of them allow such men to go, they would have to get a new ATM.
…So I told Olowokere that many wives know their husbands’ mistresses’ name. A sad development, but true. Nobody seems to give a shit about the sanctity of marriage anymore.
But my friend’s husband’s situation is a clear case of being a Mr. ATM.
How do I know?
He doesn’t drop a dime in the house of upkeep for his wife whenever he bothers to drag his sorry arse home. My friend pays every bill you can think of…na marriage be that?
Every dime he makes, all his salaries, goes to the upkeeping of his mistress in Ibadan.
Did you say it’s juju? I don’t know!
But if na juju, make the thing hold him well, well!
I’ve always said it…will continue to argue it…juju can’t catch you except you go sniffing after another babe’s honey well, other than your wife’s!
Juju wan fly for air catch you?
As we were discussing, Olowokere tried to justify extramarital affairs from a guy’s angle.
He said almost all men were into it….I didn’t ask him if he was…but I guessed it.
Or why else would he say such nonsense?
According to him, it was a case of a guy not wanting to eat egusi soup every day.
Jeez! Can you believe this guy…I thought I was hearing things!
Then he said the worst thing that almost got me peeing in my pants with anger…I almost boxed his ears.
If not that he was close to 6ft plus, while I’m just a small stout, I would have…let me leave the fight for another day.
Yes, he said some men get involved in extramarital affairs because they treasured their wives too much and didn’t want to wear them out with constant demands of sex!
Oh hell, what kind of sick reasoning was that?
Did your wife complain? Believe me, a woman will share anything except her sugar stick! We tend to be possessive about that part of a guy’s anatomy.
My tiny frame was invisibly shaking with rage. I told him in an angry voice that the excuse was the lamest I had ever heard in this 21st century…didn’t want to wear their wives out? Tell that to the birds!
So I told him the truth…that most married men are no good to their mistresses except as ATM.
The babes love the scent of their money, not the men per se.
I will however be lying if I don’t confess that there’re babes who genuinely like their sugar daddies (other women’s husbands).
Such men are probably those who are still good in bed…men who know how to rotate their buttocks, manipulate and guide their sugar candies to pleasure and make a babe beg for more.
But they are few and far in between!
Any woman, willing to kill herself because her husband is balling another babe, outside the home front, is an idiot!
Like I told Olowokere…the saddest thing about extramarital affair is that the stupid husband goes out there to savour other babes’ honey, then drags his sagging scrotum sac home, impales his wife with STD or even HIV!
At what point will a wife begin to tell her husband to use condom in Africa and Nigeria in particular?
I don’t think life is fair to African wives.
The guy knows he’s cheating on his wife, yet he absolutely refuses to use condom, even though they no longer want kids.
So he pours his holy water down into her reluctant faucet and later she begins to be sickly…a visit to the doctor…hulla…HIV!
How? Why? When?
Many housewives are the innocent victims of bad marriages and promiscuous husband.
Not fair, but what had ever been fair to the African housewife? Absolutely nothing!
But know you all these day…you men who go chasing after other babes, leaving your wives, children high and dry at home… you’re all nothing but just money dispensing machines!
That what you’re! That’s what you’re good for anyway!
If you fight with her today and she comes to beg you tomorrow, it’s because of the money!
Your money has a heavenly smell.
You make it, she’ll help you to spend it!
It’s clear that you probably don’t know how to spend your money. Mugu!
That was how a stupid fool turned his wife into a punching bag at home…she was a badly damaged car, while the guy was the panel beater.
If you see him pouncing on her, you won’t believe that he must have told her once before…in the hey days of their romance, that he loved her.
I can’t understand it…how couples can suddenly grow to hate each other so much in marriage? What happened to the love…the feelings…the emotions…where did it all go?
Naturally, he had a lover outside. Treated her like she was the best thing since sliced bread. She was a queen. Could do no wrong.
The idiot rented and furnished an apartment for her…lavished money on her, while his wife ate crumbs at home.
May Baba God forgive such men!
You see now…that man…the one over there…yes, the one in white shirt…yes you! Why didn’t you say amen?
I will tell you why….you’re beating and cheating your wife abi?
Don’t kill her O! if you’re tired of her, tell her…let her go home in one piece, than in a casket!
The game went on…the mistress treated the man like he was King Zeus! Wayo! He was just her ATM.
The game came to an end when the idiot travelled, then came back unexpected and wanted to surprise the love of his life.
He didn’t call of course…he didn’t visit his legal wife first of course…mugu.
He made a beeline for his mistress home. It was night…he was like the owner anyway…why should he call that he was coming home.
He bought her myriad of gifts as usual…none for his wife as usual. Mugu!
He pressed the bell…was smiling like the idiot he was…the babe opened the door…tousled hair…shocked face…naked body clad in wrapper was what came to the door.
The first greeting was, “why didn’t you call that you’re coming? What do you think mobile phones are for? Decoration? You think you can just come to my house any time you feel like…?”
She was the drama queen…he was the stunned spectator…where’s the sugary smiles? This is not his love!
She didn’t want him to come in, but he wasn’t ready to drive home that night…it was dead late.
He was getting suspicious of her tirade…his head was telling him the truth, but his heart was telling him something else…
There was only one way to sort out this nonsense…he pushed her forcefully off the doorway…
Was that a cigarrette stench?
Yes, it was.
Which direction was it coming from?
He made for the masters bedroom…sure enough…one Lothario was on the bed, naked as a jail bird…
He didn’t need a soothsayer to tell him what had just gone down…the Lothario’s soldier looked spent, even appeared to have fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. The soldier, even asleep, was massive compared to his. The size infuriated him…made him to feel inadequate.
The Lothario was pinging on a blackberry phone our mugu bought her months ago. The phone she told him was snatched by robbers on commercial motorbike before he bought her another one…
You and I know what happened next…what you would have done in his position, was what he did!
So, what would you have done in his position?