If you are in the abroad or have someone in the abroad, may marriage not terminate your best dreams and best wishes. Reading about the suicide of another brilliant Nigerian broke my heart this morning. The man died because his marriage collapsed and alimony and child support blighted his future and career.
These stories are very common to Nigerians living abroad. While there are women that join the kiloko o se gang once they move abroad, some of us as men need to learn a few tricks about keeping our homes.
Without reference to the latest casualty, what I have noticed among many of us is that we think that the culture and laws of patrimony makes us the “head” of our households. We take this thing called “head” too literally.
If the head is so sacrosanct, Timileyin Ajayi would be walking free. The rule here if you have a wife is that, she does not double or multitask as your cook, cleaner and caretaker of the children you both brought into the world. Any attempt to come from work, sit by the dining table asking for “my food” without helping is going to lead you to desperation.
In this abroad, when you are signing documents (including mortgage), the law requires that they read your partner their rights. If they go to work, they would learn from their native colleagues how homes are made and kept.
For those called “men” by status but who are beasts that beat their wives, including those who have normalised the principle of silent treatment as punishment, you will hit the wrong chord once the law finds out. Touch her and go to jail. In fact, when the police show up, you, the man, is a suspect.
What that means is that you should try and resolve issues quickly before they escalate. If you keep up with “I brought her here”, my brother, she will bring you down and I will be supporting her too because I have daughters.
The duty of raising kids is more than a full-time job. Women are usually not privileged to take a break. They tell you that mothers don’t go on leave. Well, you have to let your wife take breaks.
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This means taking paternity leave so Madam can have some girl time, including travels. She is your help-mate, not your house-maid.
If you can go out with your friends and come back in the single-digit hours of the morning, your wife as an equal partner should be able to go out and clear her head too.
I always say that if you love to eat it, learn to cook it. It’s a principle that applies to all genders. For your own good, learn to make more than eba and sardine. You will find the skill useful in case of zombie apocalypse (whatever that is). Surprise Madam with dinner made by daddy sometimes and if, like somebody I know, you have been banished from the kitchen, please don’t banish yourself from doing the dishes. As a sticker on our fridge says – no man has ever been shot doing the dishes.
Depending on the type of family you both come from, discuss financial issues with your partner. Remember that you have responsibilities just as she has too, so don’t think that it’s only your parents and siblings that are entitled to the fruits of your labour. You might have paid dowry and even her school fees, she must keep her ties to her family.
As for family ehn, let’s leave that for another day. If you can’t live by most of these rules, stay in Naija where you can unalive your wife or turn her into a punching bag and wait until you become the headline.
May the soul of the Nigerian doctor that unalived himself rest in peace and may her family find comfort and consolation.
. Asaju, a Nigerian journalist based in Canada with his family, is an Author at New Canadian Media.
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