An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defecse attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
33 ways to break up with your lover!
The Eccentric Rowland.
Breakup with your lover in a public place – preferably in a restaurant. This way, they won’t be able to create so much scenes. If it’s in a restaurant, when making reservations, ensure to ask if there is a back door – just in case you need to make a fast getaway. P.S: Fellas, this particular method is not usually recommended if you are breaking up with a Benin or Warri chic!
Change your diet drastically. Eat lots of garlic and beans. Most importantly – always ensure to demand for a kiss after a meal of garlic.
For The Ladies: If your lover appears unwilling to make a more permanent commitment, try leaving several bridal magazines around your home. Tell him you can’t wait to have his baby. This will surely provide him all the inspiration he needs for a fast getaway.
Suggest to your lover that you would love to have sex with his/her best friend. Or his/her boss….or his/her dog!
Constantly share stories with your lover about the terrifying types of mental illness that runs in your family. Suggest to your lover to escort you to see your Aunty Bimpe – who has taken up permanent residence at the local psychiatric home.
For The Ladies: Tell your lover that you have headache or back pain each and every time he requests for sex. Trust me; you’d be single soon enough.
Endlessly talk to your lover about your previous lovers – and remember to announce their good qualities. Wonder aloud what they might be doing.
Arrange to have someone call you in the middle of the night. Have your lover answer, and instruct the caller to hang-up when he/she picks up. Do this repeatedly, until breakup occurs (usually from one to two weeks).
For The Working Class Ladies: Explain to your lover that you intend to quit your job as soon as you get married, and that you expect your spouse to fully support you and your six (6) siblings…and of course, your unborn 12 kids!
Convince your lover that you are gay, and that your relationship with him/her is a failing attempt to go straight.
The beach is also a great place to breakup with someone. That way, if your lover begins to cry, the sound of the ebbing ocean or the crashing surf will muffle most of their sobs. And, if you never want to see your lover again – you can fake your own drowning.
Call your lover wrong names on a regular basis. If you use the name of a previous lover, so much better. It works best if you say it in the heat of passion or during sex.
For The Ladies: Complain ceaselessly about his performance in bed. Ask your lover if he was better in bed when they were younger, or if he has always been this way. This will surely give his self-esteem some bashing.
Explain to your lover that you have “seen the light” and have thus adopted a new religion. For maximum effect, suggest an extreme religion, such as Hare Krishna, Olumba Olumba, Buddhism, Olokun Worship, Satan worship, etc.
Flirt with waiters, waitresses, parcel delivery guy, NEPA officials, bus conductors and just about anyone else you come in contact with when you are with your lover.
For The Guys: Stop wearing deodorant, even when you are planning to visit the gym. Schedule all your dates with her immediately after your time at the gym.
For The Guys: Tell your lover that you are planning to move back with your parents for a while to save money.
If you are opportune to visit his/her parent at their home – light up a stick of cigarette while having a discussion with them. P.S: A wrap of “weed” guarantees a faster result.
Change the lock on your door and your phone number.
For the guy: Keep a gun and ammunition in a place in your apartment where she is sure to discover it – especially when she is doing the domestic clean up. If she confronts you for an explanation, harshly ask her how she thinks the money you spend on her comes from.
For The Guys: Start chewing tobacco. Spit the tobacco on the floor indiscriminately whenever she is around.
Suggest to your lover that you would like to try a ménage a trios (threesome) that will involve his/her best friend. If he/she thinks this is a great idea, then he/she has just given you a good reason to use for a breakup.
For The Guys: Whenever your lover comes to spend the weekend with you at your apartment, don’t shower throughout the weekend until Monday morning.
Find out your partners genotype. If he/she is AS, tell him/her that you guys are genotypic incompatibles, because you are also AS – even if this not true. Then suggest that it would be wise to end the relationship in order not to breed sickle-celled offspring.
For The Ladies: Tell him you don’t love him anymore because he’s losing his hair or developing a potbelly or body odour. P.S: Be sure you really want to break up before trying this one; it’s not an easy thing to forgive.
For The Guys: Get your siblings to move in with you. Let one of your siblings share your bedroom with you and instruct one of your sisters to strictly take charge of the kitchen.
Subscribe to several disgusting pornographic magazine or deliberately get caught peeping at some porn websites. Leave the magazine lying around in plain view around your bed, and stare at them when you are making love. P.S: Be careful though, because when your partner is gone, you might start flipping through them on the nights when you are all alone.
Have a friend call you when your lover is visiting and take your call in another room. Act a little guilty, speak in a whisper, and tell your friend that you’ll have to call back later because your mother is there.
For The Ladies: Buy a giant vibrator and leave it on top of the TV, where he is certain to see it while searching for the ever elusive remote control. When confronted for an explanation, tell him how sexually inadequate he has been and how you’ve been enjoying sex with “Timmy” –the vibrator.
For The Ladies: Gain a lot of weight and lie around the house in your oldest dirtiest underwear (for some ladies, this is pretty normal). Explain to your lover how nice it is now that you no longer need to impress him.
For The Guys: Leave a large local clay pot at a location in your apartment where she is bound to di
scover it while she is cleaning up your apartment. The content of the pot should include a skull sprayed with some ketchup, coloured candles tied together with red and white ribbons, a bottle of local gin, some cowries, kola nuts, etc. Trust me, you’d be single again by the time you return home.
Tell your lover that you keep having nightmares and that in your nightmares; you keep seeing his/her mother trying to strangle you. End up by telling him/her that you suspect that his/her mum is a witch. You will be single again faster than you know – but, often, not without a black eye.