Oftentimes people think of intimacy as sex or physical closeness, but in reality, it’s a lot more than that.
Intimacy is broad and is different for everyone. Still the best way to describe intimacy is to think of it as a connection.
Intimacy is a fundamental human need and there are two basic and most powerful types. These are:
i. Emotional: This involves being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability helps build a connection between partners.
ii. Sexual/Physical: This involves being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy gets better when partners keep communication alive by openly discussing their needs, wants, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate without judgement.
They are both connected but they fill different parts of our souls. And if one is lacking, it affects the other.
A lot of people don’t know there’s a difference between these two, and that’s why we suffer pain and hurt in several unhealthy relationships looking for emotional intimacy when in fact those relationships were founded on sexual need and intimacy alone. The fact that someone loves to have sex with you does not mean the person likes you or is emotionally invested or committed to you.
This is not to say that someone who is emotionally committed wouldn’t want sex as well because like I said they are interwoven. Besides, one of the ways to show love is to make love to your partner.
While emotional intimacy helps us to feel safe, trust and stable, sexual intimacy on the other hand is the sensual physical connection created from that feeling of safety, trust and stability with our partners. Though they satisfy two different parts of our soul, they work together to help us feel whole. We need both emotional and sexual intimacy in balance to meet our needs.
Keep in mind that to connect with emotional intimacy, we must recognise sexual intimacy. When our emotional needs are met, it makes it easier to connect sexually. This emotional need is a function of trust. When trust is high, then intimacy is high (emotionally and sexually).
Also, the reverse can happen. When there is a decrease in trust, your emotional and sexual intimacy decreases. When your trust in your partner changes, so does your connection with them.
It is important to know that everyone sees intimacy differently because we have experienced it differently. Our past relationships and experiences are the lenses through which we view the world. These affect how we experience intimacy.
Two people in a relationship can view intimacy differently. For example, you may want to connect with your partner by spending time alone where you both can relax and talk. On the other hand, your partner would rather connect with you, too, but they see having sex as the way to be close to you. It is clear that both partners want intimacy but in different ways. This is where communication comes in.
One of the major differences between the two is that contrary to sexual/physical intimacy, which can take place with little or no love-connection between the partners, emotional intimacy is a bond that grows and deepens between two people who are in love. A love relationship cannot exist without emotional intimacy. It helps the love to blossom. The partners need to feel safe and trust each other completely without the fear of being vulnerable.
Sometimes though, the balance may not be perfect. There will be times in a relationship when one partner needs more of one type of intimacy than the other, especially with long-term relationships.
Physical intimacy, most times is the motivation that brings two people together. But emotional intimacy is the secret behind long-term relationships and mind-blowing sex. It shows that the couple communicate well, and have established a connection of trust and openness.
Romantic partners who are successful at expressing their emotions enjoy much happier relationships than those where one partner is uncomfortable or refuses to share his or her emotional condition.
Here are a few points to note:
i. Emotional Intimacy does not have to involve sex or physical contact. Intimacy can thrive in loving friendships and family relationships. As a matter of fact, sex too soon in a relationship can interfere with emotional intimacy.
ii. People have different comfort levels with intimacy. There are no absolutes as individuals differ in their comfort level with emotional intimacy. What each person needs in terms of intimacy will vary and also change over time and evolve according to their partner or circumstances.
iii. Sex as a substitute for intimacy. It is interesting to note that sex is one of the few places where some people will allow themselves to become emotionally vulnerable. People who are cut off from the emotional parts of themselves often seek sex to meet their need for intimacy. A lot of many men have learned from childhood that the only thing they are supposed to need to be close to a woman is sex. They do have the need for intimacy, but it usually gets suppressed and denied. For many couples, sex then becomes a substitute for intimacy and a defence against closeness. It is no news that sexual problems in a relationship are frequently the by-product of personal and relational conflicts and anxieties
iv. Vulnerability. Intimacy, by its very nature, requires us to be vulnerable and this can feel highly uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking to many people. It means taking a big risk. The risk of rejection. One way to alleviate this anxiety is to remind ourselves that intimacy is not stagnant but rather a process. It develops by giving enough time, so trust is established.
If you are looking to deepen your sexual/physical and emotional connection, plan a weekend trip to a new place today!
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