Relationship boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy and happy partnership. Boundaries set clear expectations for behaviour, communication, and mutual respect in every type of relationship.
A lot of people start to get defensive when boundaries are discussed, but boundaries aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they’re an important ingredient in healthy, balanced relationships. They’re also a crucial part of maintaining your identity, mental health, and physical well-being.
Boundaries can include restrictions on physical actions such as asking your partner not to look through your phone or not to interrupt when you’re working from home. They can also be psychological, such as asking your spouse to accept that your goals and dreams may not always be the same as theirs.
Boundaries aren’t just necessary in your personal relationships, though. They’re also needed in the workplace, where coworkers or managers might monopolise your time or disregard your needs. Unhealthy boundaries at work can also follow you home and reduce the quality of your personal life.
Many of us have never taken enough time to truly know and feel what we do and what we don’t want in our lives and in our relationships.
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If you are new to saying “no”, or setting boundaries, sometimes a good first step is to assume ‘no’ first. By saying “no”, or “not right now” or “I need to think about that and get back to you”, you slow the interaction down enough to be able to tell whether the response you truly want to give is a “yes” or a “no”.
Boundaries can include restrictions on physical actions, such as asking a roommate or partner not to look through your phone or not to interrupt when you’re working from home. They can also be psychological, such as asking your spouse to accept that your goals and dreams may not always be the same as theirs.
Healthy boundaries in relationships serve to:
Encourage autonomy and reduce codependent habits.
Set expectations when interacting with others.
Give you a sense of empowerment and self-respect.
Ensure your physical and emotional comfort.
Clarify individual responsibilities in a relationship.
Separate your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings from those of others.
Without healthy boundaries, your relationships can become toxic and unsatisfying and your well-being can suffer. You might feel taken advantage of if a friend keeps asking for money, for example, or feel overwhelmed by stress if you feel the need to solve all of your partner’s emotional problems. Or if a parent continually invades your privacy, you’ll likely feel resentful. Similarly, if you continually ignore another person’s boundaries, you risk making them feel uncomfortable and damaging the relationship.
One study showed that when boundaries are blurred between personal life and work, people experience more emotional exhaustion and less happiness. On the other hand, setting boundaries, particularly when it comes to job duties, can lead to a greater sense of empowerment.
Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries can change many aspects of your life, ranging from work to family relations to dating. It all starts with understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship:
• Physical boundaries help keep you comfortable and safe, not just when you’re dealing with strangers, but also when you’re interacting with those closest to you. For example, you might tell someone that you’d prefer handshakes instead of hugs. Or you could tell a friend that you need to take a rest during a lengthy bike ride. If a physical space belongs to you, you can set limitations around that as well. Perhaps you don’t want someone to intrude in your bedroom or clutter your office with their items.
• Sexual boundaries could involve anything from asking for consent before being physically intimate to checking in with your partner’s comfort level during sex. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, you should make an ongoing habit of communicating your preferences. You might want to reassess limitations and expectations surrounding things like frequency of sex and contraception use.
• Emotional boundaries ensure that others are respectful of your emotional well-being and internal comfort level. When setting an emotional boundary, you might say something like: “I don’t want to talk about this subject while I’m at work because I need to focus.” You might also use these barriers to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s feelings. For example, you can acknowledge you’re not responsible for how another person reacts to your decision to turn them down for a second date.
• Material/financial boundaries extend to your belongings, such as money, clothing, car, or home. If you’re a charitable person, you might have a hard time saying “no” to people who want to borrow items. However, people may intentionally or unintentionally take advantage of your goodwill, and then you may notice your own resentment building. When setting a material restriction, you might say something like: “You can borrow my phone charger, but please put it back when you’re done.”
• Time boundaries allow you to focus on your priorities at work and in your personal life without feeling crowded by other people’s needs and wants. Imagine that you’ve had a stressful work week and want to spend the weekend recuperating. You might decline a party invite or set a limit on how long you’ll be there. Other time-related restrictions could include asking a friend to avoid calling you during work hours or asking a partner to delay an important conversation until a more convenient time.
Shifting boundaries
Boundaries aren’t etched in stone. You’ll need to adjust them as circumstances change and relationships grow. This can be especially true in long-term relationships. Communication is important as you reevaluate and revise your boundaries. You want the other person to be clear on the change and the reason behind it.
– Unhealthy Boundaries In A Relationship
Unhealthy boundaries often tend to be either too rigid or too porous. Healthy ones fall somewhere between these two extremes.
• Rigid boundaries keep other people at a distance, even loved ones. Maybe you refuse to talk about your emotions with your partner or rarely set aside time to meet with friends.
• Porous or weak boundaries develop when you have a hard time saying “no” to others. For example, you might be too willing to take on all the responsibilities in a relationship. Or maybe you tend to overshare when talking with strangers.
Here are some reasons why you should establish and enforce boundaries in your relationships:
1. Respect: Boundaries help establish respect between partners by setting limits on acceptable behaviour. When boundaries are violated, it can lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt, and disrespect.
2. Personal space: Boundaries help create space for each individual to maintain their own personal autonomy and identity within the relationship. This allows for independence and self-expression, which are crucial for a healthy partnership.
3. Emotional well-being: Boundaries help protect your emotional well-being by preventing manipulation, emotional abuse, and excessive dependency. By setting boundaries, you can prioritize your own needs and feelings, and maintain a sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
4. Communication: Boundaries facilitate open and honest communication in a relationship. By clearly expressing your needs and expectations, you can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, and build a deeper connection with your partner.
5. Self-care: Boundaries help you prioritise self-care and set limits on how much you give and take in a relationship. By practicing self-care and setting boundaries, you can prevent burnout, resentment, and exhaustion, and maintain a healthy balance between your own needs and those of your partner.
Overall, establishing and enforcing boundaries in your relationships is essential for fostering trust, intimacy, and mutual respect. By setting clear expectations for behaviour and communication, you can create a supportive and healthy partnership that allows both partners to grow and thrive together.
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