Are men wired to be monogamous?, by Tiwa Says

The Nigerian environment is one filled with strife, still we manage to move on. Each new day comes with its fair share of troubles…still we move.

I love this country though we are constantly consoling ourselves with things to take our minds off its very deplorable.

We are a unique specie indeed. Just the other morning as I was ruminating on how fast the year was going already, I heard a commotion on my street and I was curious to know what was going on…not one to go poking my head out for gist or interfering in matters that don’t concern me. I decided to wait it out and inquire from my neighbour later.

My neighbour later told me that it was the young couple down the street who caused a scene. The wife to be exact. I wondered what could have made a heavily pregnant woman engage in a shouting match.

Alas, it was the typical cause. She caught her husband cheating. What was surprising was the fact that they were barely two years into their marriage.

To make matters worse, he cheated with a lady on the same street. I’m guessing that’s what made it more unbearable for the wife. Nevertheless, making a public spectacle of yourselves is never the way to go.

So what could have made the husband cheat? Several reasons quickly came to mind: Could it be because the wife was pregnant, they had stopped having sex and the husband had sudden urges he couldn’t control? Or their sex life wasn’t so great? Or he just felt the need to philander?

This begs the question: Are men monogamous in nature and are they just being forced by society to be so? This topic has generated a lot of interest and heat over the years and it is worth looking into.

What is monogamy to start with? Monogamy can be defined as the practice of having a relationship with only one partner, while polygamy is a marriage in which a spouse may have more than one partner simultaneously. In a  lot of societies, monogamy is well appreciated and even expected, while polygamy may be judged or misunderstood.

Research shows that the way men’s brains are wired makes it more likely for them to be sexually promiscuous than women. A recent study revealed that men are less likely to be satisfied with one sexual partner.

It has also been discovered that humans aren’t necessarily meant to be monogamous or polyamorous. We have impulses toward both, but our culture and beliefs usually dictate our ultimate decisions.

The human specie isn’t naturally inclined toward monogamy and there are arguments that since monogamy itself is a recent societal creation, therefore, we as humans, are not naturally inclined toward monogamy.  Men and women alike are inclined to seek multiple sexual partners for a variety of reasons.

There is the belief that humans have evolved to make commitments between males and females for the sole purpose of raising their offspring, thereby creating a bond. We are unique in this regard, but at the same time like most mammals, we are a polygynous specie.

According to some schools of thought, monogamy was created for order and investment and not because it is natural. Studies have shown that among mammals, just nine per cent of species are monogamous; among primates, just 29 per cent are.

Humans are diverse, but before Western imperialism, 83 per cent of indigenous societies were polygynous, 16 per cent monogamous, and one per cent polyandrous (where women have multiple husbands).

Individuals who question the validity of monogamy may cite this type of partnership as outdated, overly restrictive or unnatural. High divorce rates, reports of infidelity or sexual boredom are also cited as reasons to oppose monogamy.

Being in a monogamous or polygamous relationship is your decision. Although outside factors such as societal standards or the opinions of your loved ones may influence your decision, you might choose to make a choice based on your own needs or desires.

So what are the benefits of a monogamous relationship?
1. Undivided time and attention: When you are in a committed relationship with one person, that person has your full attention. There is also more intimacy because there are only two people in the relationship and they can both devote their time and resources to each other.

1. Mental stability: Monogamous relationships have been proven to be less stressful and create more happiness. People in monogamous relationships are less likely to develop mental health concerns such as anxiety, chronic stress and depression.

2. Less health issues: Individuals with only one partner have lesser health concerns to worry about. That’s long as they remain faithful to each other. In addition to a lower risk of sexually transmitted diseases, monogamous couples also have a higher immunity system and better heart health because they are happier and less stressed. This can help keep their immunity up and their blood pressure down

With advantages also come disadvantages, and here are some:
1. No variety: One of the major disadvantages of monogamy is a lack of variety. Monogamy has the potential to lead to routine and possibly boredom. People often equate excitement in a relationship with the ability to be with several individuals, potentially as part of an open or sometimes polyamorous relationship. Monogamous couples often have to work harder at variety than non-monogamous individuals.

1. Jealousy is a constant factor in any relationship, but in a monogamous relationship, it is often more a product of imagination or fear of what might happen than reality. In monogamous relationships, jealousy can be a very real threat. At the same time, some individuals may choose monogamy because of a tendency to become jealous or choose not to be monogamous because of their non-jealous nature.

As a result of these, some people may see polygamy as a healthy alternative for consenting adults. More companionship, higher income and ongoing sexual variety are often cited as advantages of polygamous or polyamorous relationships

The decision for a monogamous or polyamorous relationship is a personal one despite cultural and religious beliefs. A lot of people will rather please society and family members in the open and go in secret to fulfill their true desires, forgetting they swore an oath to someone.

Let’s normalise living our truth and be seen for what we are and stand for than pretending to be who we are not. It is better to be polyamorous than be in a monogamous relationship and “cheat”.

For the young couple, I heard the wife has moved out of her matrimonial home and gone back to her parent’s home. I don’t think that’s a wise decision, but she will find out soon enough. She’s still a new student in the marriage class.

I would love to get feedback, questions and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.

Let’s meet tonight (Friday) in the chatroom. If you want to be a part of it, send me a message on Telegram at: @tiwa_says. Chatroom opens at 10pm every Friday.

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#tiwa_says; 09032331388; tiwalolaoke@yahoo.com.