I was recently invited to an old school-themed party. It was a fun crowd of generation x and millennials. The music was great and nostalgic and the food was even better.

Some of the ladies got talking and boredom was the topic of discussion. A lot of these women were bored in their relationships but they felt stuck with their partners. Some were even flirting with a few of the younger men on the dance floor while their beer bellied partners (no offence intended) sat at the table, talking football and politics with their mates.

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Studies have shown that as women advance in age, they crave more fun and sex, while the reverse is the case with men. Which makes one wonder whether the marriage certificate should not be a permanent one after all. But that is not the topic for today.

Contrary to popular belief that men are the adventurous ones, let me be the first to let you know that women also love to explore. It is assumed that women crave the “one man, one woman” relationship, but research has proven that women get bored and want more, especially in long-term relationships where complacency sets in after a while because both parties have become too familiar with each other.

A lot of the time the women want more, but resign themselves to fate because of societal dogma that the woman has no right to her sexual pleasure while the man is allowed to explore with several partners.

Now let’s take a look at some of the reasons why women get bored with monogamous relationships:

1. The mystery is gone: Anticipation and longing keep the sexual juices flowing. Doing everything together makes couples so enmeshed in each other that there’s no mystery left. Things can begin to get a little boring to the point of suffocation.
2. They miss the thrill of the chase: Women love to be chased, no doubt about that. There’s a thrill to that. The excitement that comes with a new relationship is usually very euphoric, but once you’ve been with one partner exclusively for a while, the flirting and courting wanes, and the hormones and chemicals involved in the early phase of a relationship (dopamine, adrenaline, norepinephrine) that give you that mushy and excited feeling naturally begins to depreciate after a few months and are replaced by attachment hormones (oxytocin and vasopressin) that help you feel more stable, calm and bonded to that person.
3. Their needs aren’t being met in bed: A lot of women find it difficult to ask for what they want and desire in bed. If a woman feels her man is not on the same page with her sexually and he’s not open to exploring new things, she will get bored and begin to pull away emotionally or get those needs met elsewhere. If she also feels the need “for more” but is not able to express the same for fear of rejection or a negative reaction from you, this may cause her to disassociate.
4. They want to be desired: Women love to be desired. There’s a strong need to feel wanted, seen and heard. She needs to know that you still find her attractive. Sometimes a woman pulls away to see if you will still chase her. She may be testing the waters to see if she is still desired by you. If she is not getting these needs met, she may lose interest over time and seek out or accept attention from someone else.
5. They’re bored with life in general: When a woman doesn’t have much going on in other parts of her life, it can affect her relationship. Her feelings of not being fulfilled extends to the bedroom. The stress she feels from the pressures of daily obligations can leave her little or no space and energy for her to explore or even initiate anything new in the relationship. The relationship itself may begin to feel like a sore and resentment can begin to set in. She may start to look for excitement with someone new to feel alive again.

Relationship is work, whether it’s long-term or short-term, and just like every other thing, you need to put in effort for it to work. So with these facts in mind, here are a few tips that could help renew your relationship, if things are a little bit rusty:

a. It’s okay to be best friends with your partner, that’s a good thing, but being too comfortable can sometimes make the relationship a boring one. When this happens, it causes a drifting apart and can give room to a total loss of interest from one or both partners.

b. Continual growth keeps the attraction strong in a relationship. Women especially need to feel that there is forward progress in the relationship, especially after a reasonable length of time.

c. Women feel the need for variable emotions. Men and women differ in this critical way: you can give a man something he likes, and he might like it for the rest of his life. A woman on the other hand will want one thing now only to want another thing later, regardless of how much they liked the first thing. Women like to test and evaluate things, including men, so they are continually testing new ideas to see how it feels to them.

d. Women love surprises. An unexpected gesture or gift is always a good idea, especially if it is something you know your partner needs or wants. It goes a long way in making her feel special because it means you think about her and listen to her when she talks.

e. Be consistent with your actions. I’m talking about all types of touching – hand holding, hugging, caressing and cuddling, as well as more intimate touch and, of course, sex. Bring back those early relationship days by making time for romantic gestures, daily. And if you find that you don’t know what to do, don’t be afraid to ask your partner what they need and want.

f. Taking time out for yourself is just as important as spending time together in maintaining a healthy relationship. You both need time away to rejuvenate for the sake of the individual and the relationship.

g. It’s important to keep expressing love to your partner in different ways. Sometimes being in a relationship for a long time can make you too comfortable that you forget to show your partner how much you love them. Send romantic texts, hug your partner for no reason at all, give him or her a kiss on the forehead, and show this person that you love him or her.

h. Go out on dates or better still prepare a nice dinner for your spouse at home and dress nicely for the occasion. Sometimes, with all the chores and the kids, we forget how to pamper ourselves and do this for our partners as well.

i. It is important to work towards a coming goal. Set goals together that will ignite the fire of passion from both of you. Each time you wake up and go to work, you think of this goal and you want to work together to make sure it happens.

j. Communication is key. Communicate with your partner. Don’t just go home and go straight to bed. Have conversations with your partner. Even while having a meal together as a family. Not having conversations is a major relationship killer. Make sure that you find the time and talk to each other. Communication can do wonders in your relationship.

k. Don’t ever forget your sex time when you are thinking of ways to keep your marriage exciting. Spice things up with new ways to make love. Use sex toys, try out role-playing games, and whatever works for you both.

It’s also fun to try out new adventures together. Travel, join a gym, or take up new projects together.

Above and beyond all these tips, find what works for you both to keep your relationship healthy and fun. Never compare because what works for A may not necessarily work for B. Relationships are meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

I would love to get feedback, questions and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.

Let’s meet tonight (Friday) in the chatroom. If you want to be a part of it, send me a message on Telegram at: @tiwa_says. Chatroom opens at 10pm every Friday.

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tiwa_says; 09032331388; tiwalolaoke@yahoo.com.