Symbiotic relationship, by Anurika Onyelemelam

It was the angry shouts that had me rushing from my room as if I was about to start a 100-meter track race to win an Olympic medal.
The angry screams belonged to a woman and a man. The lady was in a short and tight fitted top. Judging from her stance, it was obvious she was ready for a fight.
She was not a particularly tall lady, but she fought and kicked against the restraining arms.
She sure was thirsty for the guy’s blood!
The guy was an angry lover.
He too tried to escape the arms holding him from pouncing on the babe. In a voice filled with anguish and anger, the guy said: “Oh, Jenny! After all I’d done for you! You are dating that old fool! By the time I finish…”
But Jenny (could that be her real name? How many Nigerian females bear Jenny?) wouldn’t allow him to finish.
She was so angry she could burst. But that is short people kind of shakara. Trust me on this one, I know!
Just the other day, I was in one of those commercial bikes when some boys stopped us. They wanted to collect N20 toll or we wouldn’t be allowed passage of way.
Tired and hungry, I lashed out at the boys. I told them to go and look for a job. One of them drew closer to the bike, threatening to hit me.
Dear folks, you ought to have seen me display. I pretended as if I wanted to jump off the bike and confronted this very tall boy. But my bike rider fell for my shakara.
He held me and repeatedly kept saying: “Madam abeg okay! It’s okay!”
Yes, thank God the bike man unwittingly assisted me to act out an unscripted play.
Just as I was about to climb on the bike, I suddenly pretended to have changed my mind. I acted as if I was going back for the guy’s jugular. Again, the bike man grabbed me. I grinned silently.
Other guys quickly gathered and started begging me. Throwing a last shot, I told the guy that if he dared me again, I would lock him and throw away the keys. Shakara!
Fully satisfied with all the apologies and being called Madam, I glanced at the boy and told the bike rider to go.
My dear, you have to understand the system. Shakara is what most of us short people use to make up for our lack of height.
Sorry for derailing.
Jenny yelled: “What did you do for me! Tell me? What did you do? Did you buy me a plane? Is it not your mate that buys cars for their girlfriends? Did you take me to heaven? Why are you prying into my life? Am I your wife? Go home to your wife!”
We were all shocked at such crude display.
Imagine engaging in a street fight with your lover! We were also surprised that Jenny and Femi could cause such a ruckus in the street. Both of them had been the toast of the street for long, despite Femi being a married man with four children.
Would you like to know the cause of the quarrel? Well, yours sincerely tried to sift everything gathered from different sources. Did I hear someone clapping at my resourceful nature? Yes, thank you! Thank you! No trouble at all. Anything for you guys.
According to the grapevine, Femi came to visit Jenny and found her in a very compromising position with a man she had once introduced as her uncle.
Now the point is this: When a guy and a babe are in a relationship, are they not both giving out something? You don’t understand what I’m driving at? Listen well!
I don’t particularly see the sense in telling a babe or guy…. After all I’ve done for you!
Personally, the highest thing that you can do for your lover that would warrant and justify such a statement is to take the person to heaven! Can you do that?
Look at it this way: you liked that fine boy, no pimple guy over there.
Yes ma, the one displaying his biceps and smiling at you. You gave him a ride. You gave him your call card. He calls you. One thing leads to another and before the final whistle leaves my mouth, you’re both banging each other.
The day for goodbye dawns.
Sometimes, it does my dear. You’ve seen the sign for long but didn’t want to let go. We all know that breaking up is never easy. In fact, I always feel sad when a relationship ends. He wants to go, but decides to hit you hard by surreptitiously introducing a new face on the scene.
You get pissed off! You reminded him of all the things you bought him, right down to his shaving powder.
Get a grip on yourself sister. He may be poor, but he gave you something in return.
Yes, his holy fluid! Millions of it at that! Rich in vitamins and proteins…rushing down your hungry, eagerly waiting honey. And believe me sister, this sort of nourishing fresh nutrient, you can’t find in any pharmaceutical store!
So what is this crazy writer saying? She’s saying, once you contract a relationship, whether out of love or otherwise, it is a symbiotic one. Both of you are giving each other something… in one way or another! Of course, you may choose to disagree with me.
You give her money, take care of her and pamper her. She makes sure she prepares your meals for the duration of the affair.
She warms your bed and even does your laundry.
Ugg! If love and romance follow, those are bonuses in the relationship. You’re both lucky! But if not, please don’t bore us with, after all I did for him or her! You both got something, perhaps him or her more than you did.
Either way, something crossed from left to right. Something goes from up to down..from turgid to flat..from giving to receiving….
It is only our Nigerian babes that see it as a right for a guy to take care of them financially. Once a babe snags up a new guy, she starts thinking of changing everything right from her wardrobe down to her menstruation pad!
Why must you see that prospective guy coming into your life as a meal ticket? If he truly loves you, you don’t need to tell him to buy this or that before he does.
Caring and affection are the natural outgrowth of love. As for me, a guy may be as rich as Bill Gates, if he doesn’t love me or I don’t care about him, we would both be wasting our time.
It is this attitude of seeing men as being responsible for the upkeep of a girl that makes a lot of ladies wait endlessly for Mr. Rich guy.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I detest money. Far from it! All I’m trying to say is that in any relationship, whatever goes on between the couple in giving, taking or spending should be 50-50. You take a little and you give a little. That is the spirit of love.
I can’t fathom the reason a babe feels she cannot spoil a guy a little. Don’t men deserve to be treated like kings by their babes sometimes? It is this attitude of not caring enough to spend on your guy that is making many ladies lose their guys to sugar mummies!
If there are any set of women that know how to spend money in taking care of men, they are the sugar mummies.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Can it be so bad to buy surprise gifts for your guy? Take him out to lunch? Pick the bills when you eat out? Don’t you just feel that warm glow unfold inside when you do little things like that for him? Don’t you just love it when he gives you those surprised heart-turning smiles of thank you?
The beauty of it is that you don’t even need to buy something sinfully expensive if you don’t have the money. Just buy something that will make him realise that if you had more, you would have done more.
Something special to show him that you care. If you do one for him, my bet is that he would do two for you.
The problem of sustaining a symbiotic relationship in Naija is compounded by men who feel it is their God-given right to buy and spend money on a babe once they start dating her. You’ll see them rushing to buy recharge cards for her as if the sellers are about to embark on a nationwide strike!
In fact, you will hear words like: “ I will spoil and bath you with money,” coming from them.
Some foolish men would make an issue out of a babe buying them things by becoming interrogators. “Who gave you money to buy this for me? Where did you get the money? How did you get the money?” would be the belligerent questions, rather than a thank you.
They forget that a babe can save from the money they endlessly dish out, if she’s not working. The major reason a babe needs a man is for him to love and care for her.
I remember taking a guy to Mr. Biggs once. He was my toaster. When I told him that we should go in, he was fidgety. His eyes became as round as a saucer when I picked the bill. He looked at me as if I had suddenly grown two heads. He told me I was a strange babe.
He also claimed I was the first babe that had ever bought him something. Try practicing a symbiotic relationship today and see if your guy would not love you like mad.