The book: “She Tells It All,” written by Dolapo Oyedipe (2019) pricks us all on the need for all to speak out against rape, and for victims of rape or sexual assault to garner the courage to tell it all. For Oyedipe, a lawyer and gender advocate, her counsel for families, girls and women, are laid out in an intricately themed conversation segmented into 12 chapters and four parts: In part one consisting six chapters, the author discusses her near-rape experience, and other issues from the home-front; in only one chapter of Part two we have a presentation of true rape stories as told by the victims. Part three, with three chapters has tips and advice on handling rape and assault issues; and part four discusses legal framework around rape, abuse and sexual assault particularly in Nigeria.
In the first chapter of the book, she narrates her first and second near-rape experiences, first at the age of 10.
She attributes her escape to her impulsive shout for help due to her mother’s early warning not to be in the same room with a man undressing. This prompts the author’s persistent emphasis throughout the book, the prime place of mothers in equipping their girl children especially with instinctive actions that are certain to keep them out of trouble. The author states that girls must speak out immediately when such things happen, so that those in authority can act fast and the culprit apprehended immediately.
She insists: “Never blame yourself for any act done or about to happen. This is what society has put into the minds of victims that they are always to be blamed,” and to never hold rigidly to the definition of who they consider ‘safe’ to be held in a position of trust. (Pp8-9)
The third chapter unveils the psychology of a rapist – a clear picture of who a potential rapist is, and how to discern red flags in different circumstances. Here the author argues that it is erroneous to attribute the act of rape to only physicality and raw power, as being muscular, strong and rough are not sufficient attributes. She insists that the rapist is not only the extroverted boss or the one always talking tough. For her, the rapist can be the unassuming and easy-going cousin, over-protective brother or father, a doting boss at work, an over-supporting colleague or your highly revered religious leader. The watchword must always be: watch your back!
In the book, the author notes the motives for rape. People do rape because they can, and because they want to. The rapist always has a sense of security that they could and would get away with the offence. And some do due to mental imbalance. So Oyedipe tells the readers, especially young girls not to trust male family members, friends and male servants, house helps wholeheartedly. This is because date rape and acquaintance rape have been recurring at a far higher rate than other types of rape. Consequently, young girls and women “need to draw lines on relationships with the opposite sex and reduce the level of trust/confidence that girls should repose in boys/men no matter how close they are, when it comes to the issues of sexuality.” (p17)
In the book, the author thinks that daughters should understand the father-daughter relationship, and also use it to their advantage, insisting also that fathers should discuss matters like boyfriends, partners and sex with their daughters directly. She adds that: “The first lesson boys and girls need to learn from their father by example is how to relate with the opposite sex and to treat them with love and respect.” (p26) She writes that both parents should ‘keep talking’ to their children, and let their female children know how to relate to the opposite sex, including precautionary measures to take with family, friends, and in social gatherings.
In She Tells It All, the author digs into the deep-seated roadblocks to fighting the rape culture in Nigeria, where she says it is growing by the day, with society playing little or no role in stemming the tides. She holds out her hydra-headed horsewhip to most African countries, especially Nigeria where there is a wrong approach to rape. She charges all to stop blaming the victim, but rather the thief. For the author, the society is still held back by patriarchal and parochial trappings that stigmatise the rape victim, but welcomes and canonizes the offender, describing him as “our brother,” “our pastor,” “our imam,” or “our oga.” For the author, if society collectively speaks against rape and rapists openly, the victims will be emboldened to tell it all.
In this book, She Tells It All, the author shows how rape and other types of sexual assault can be prevented. First off, the author challenges society to begin to look at the prevention approach rather than a retroactive tendency to ‘cry with those crying.’ The first step is to properly understand what acts constitute sexual violence so as to be able to effectively speak against it; to remember how common sexual violence is, correct common misconceptions about people who commit sexual crimes, holding them accountable regardless of their position, power, fame or wealth, and to take action by supporting women, girls, colleagues and family members to stand up against rape.
She calls for public enlightenment at schools, social clubs, cultural gatherings, churches, mosques and through the media to demystify the myths about rape. She insists that the government needs to come up with a comprehensive, exhaustive and easy-to-interpret legislation of rape and sexual violence. She calls on the Federal Government to seek strong, uniform and exhaustive law that prohibits rape and makes it difficult for rape offenders to get off the hook easily.
This book is highly prescriptive. In the 10th chapter, the author discusses what to do when sexually assaulted, abused or raped. While admitting that the road to recovery after rape is uncertain and tortuous, one filled with sadness and negative thoughts, she prescribes that rape victims should talk about what happened. It does not help to weep internally, and alone, or become reclusive after a rape experience. It does not help to drown in the sea of guilt and shame. Just understand and accept what has happened, as this will help to heal faster.
In the last part of the book, the author reviews the laws relating to offence of rape in Nigeria, including the Criminal Code, Penal Code, Child Rights Act 2003, and the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015. And she identifies a huge load of ambiguities and gaps that are spread across these laws.
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In the final analysis, the book, She Tells It All, is a deeply researched exhaustive work on the menace of rape, abuse and sexual assault in a society like Nigeria. This 105-page treatise speaks to the ultimate safety and protection of the female folk among us, and the peace and harmony of the society at large.
. Olatunbosun is a broadcast journalist, fact-checker and book reviewer at Splash FM 105.5, Ibadan. He can be reached via molatunbosun@splashfm1055.com, on X and Instagram @miketunbosun.