I had lunch with a girlfriend the other day. This was one of the goals we had set for this year as a way to bond and keep checking on each other. This was the first lunch for the year and we had so much to tell each other.
She told me about this guy she just met. You could tell by the way she spoke about him excitedly that she was in love.
She was particularly thrilled because, according to her, he understood her love language. I was genuinely happy for her because having a partner who understands your love language and treats you accordingly is really top-tier.
As I continued to ponder on that, it occurred to me to ask my friend if her new beau also knew and understood her sex language.
It may shock you to know but there truly is a thing calledsex language. Just like there is love language. Being that we all are different and unique in our needs and desires, we area also different in behaviours and patterns that tickle our sexual fancy.
If you have not discovered your sex language, here are the seven main types, find yours:
- THE LUST SLAVE: You like to have an intense sexual experience. Sex can sometimes be an obsession for you. You lose yourself in the experience. Having passionate sex regularly is extremely important to you. Nothing is sexually forbidden for you.
Pros: You’re creative and outgoing with lots of spicy fantasies. You like role play, threesomes, exhibitionism, etc. You’re easily drawn to sex that feels taboo or forbidden.
Cons: You don’t need to feel emotionally connected to someone to enjoy sex. Sex is more about physical pleasure than connection for you. You get bored quickly and move onto your next conquest.
Tips: It is always better to be upfront about not wanting commitment to avoid conflict.
YOUR MATCH: a fellow Lust Slave. An Adventurer and Energiser would also work.
- THE ADVENTURER: You love sex and sex is fun for you. You don’t attach any importance to it. You are not afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Exploring is your thing. You are a generous lover.
PROS: You love sex. You’re enthusiastic about giving and receiving pleasure and open to exploring. You’re also very knowledgable about sex. You are expressive and like to show and receive affection.
CONS: Because sex is easy for you, it is hard to empathise with a partner who does have issues. To you, sex is a priority. You don’t tolerate excuses.
TIPS: Not everyone is lucky enough to be blessed with sexual confidence. If your partner is sexually insecure, talk about sex outside the bedroom and listen to their views on sex. Don’t assume everyone is born a good lover: Guide gently and be patient enough till they’re comfortable and are ready before suggesting anything.
YOUR MATCH: An Adventurer or Energiser.
- THE ENERGISER: You have high expectations for your love life. You dislike rules and you are very competitive. You don’t like rules and you don’t like to compromise your pleasure.
PROS: You’re exciting and seductive and you can mesmerise your lover with extraordinary technique, confidence and enthusiasm. Because of this, you can happily match with people with an average or even low sex drive. You put the effort in to capture their interest and constantly come up with new things to keep them interested
CONS: Because you like to be top of the game in everything you do, and that includes sex, this makes you have unrealistic and high expectations. This can be cause for conflict.
TIPS: Because “novelty” is your thing, there’s a tendency for you to rely too much on sexual props. Sometimes it’s nice to just get naked, get in the missionary position, look deep into your partner’s eyes and connect.
YOUR MATCH: An Energiser or Adventurer. The Lust Slave will appeal but won’t put you on the pedestal you crave.
- THE STABILISER: You get more sexual satisfaction from giving than receiving. You feel uncomfortable voicing out your likes and dislikes to your partner. You’re quiet and shy during sex.
PROS: You are kind and generous and your enthusiasm for giving pleasure is phenomenal. You don’t mind sacrificing your own pleasure for your partner’s satisfaction.
CONS: Receiving pleasure makes you feel uncomfortable. You’re also not good at showing enjoyment in sex.
TIPS: Because you don’t like confrontations, any resentment in sex is buried, which often results in difficulties with arousal or orgasm. It’s always better to speak up during sex about it.
YOUR MATCH: A Romantic.
- THE ROMANTIC: You secretly prefer cuddles to sex. The emotional temperature has to be just right before you can get in the mood for sex. You enjoy connecting and having soulful sex with lots of eye contact. For you, sex is more about intimacy and connection than satisfying sexual cravings.
PROS: For you, sex is more about expressing love and feelings than it is physical release. You’re less interested in sexual performance and more focused on the emotional benefits of sex, which is intimacy rather than orgasm.
CONS: The whole point of having sex, for you, is to feel closer and connected to your partner. If that’s missing, you won’t enjoy it.
TIPS: The relationship isn’t always going to be perfect, so you could start to lower your expectations a little. Be more open to spontaneous sex and try shifting your focus from your heart to other parts. Have “dirtier” sex and push your limits. Most importantly, don’t suffocate your partner sexually by insisting they gaze into your eyes when they’d rather be feasting them on other, more interesting parts.
YOUR MATCH: A Stabiliser or Controller.
- THE CONTROLLER: You can only orgasm through a particular or specific technique. You like to be in control of your emotions. You like routine both in and out of the bedroom. You feel threatened or insulted when your partner suggests you try something new. Change makes you feel uncomfortable.
PROS: Others might look in and find your sex life a little dull, but, in fact, you orgasm easily with your partner. Because you stick to the same method, the path to orgasm is well-travelled and if you train your body to orgasm a certain way, it reads the signposts easily, identifying predictable triggers to tip you over the edge.
CONS: You dislike change and find it quite stressful. So the impromptu sexual surprise that would thrill others, instead freaks you out.
TIPS: A certain amount of predictability is fine but too much desensitises. Try to push at least a little out of your comfort zone to build your sexual confidence. If you feel more comfortable approaching sex in a logical fashion, try drawing up a list of new things to try. Predictable doesn’t need to be boring: if you plan some new activities to add variety, you’ll still feel in control because you know what’s coming. Take baby steps and introduce one thing that you feel in control of rather than pushing yourself out of your comfort zone too quickly.
YOUR MATCH: A fellow Controller, Stabiliser or Romantic would all work well
- THE WORRIER: You have a naturally low libido. Sex has been traumatic in the past. It’s extremely important for you to feel safe during sex. You have low self-esteem. The thought of having sex makes you feel anxious.
PROS: As the name suggests, of all the types, you are the one who worries the most about sex. It’s not to say you don’t enjoy it, it’s just something that’s often fraught with anxiety for you and in a society saturated by sex, it’s embarrassing to admit you’re not dying for it like everyone else seems to be. You often feel under pressure to perform and worry you’re inadequate – both in how you look and what you’re doing in bed. Some of you may even avoid sex completely out of a fear of failure, preferring to satisfy yourself through masturbation rather than have sex with a partner. You are the most vulnerable.
CONS: You may try to hide what you see as your “secret” by sleeping with lots of people to prove to others (including yourself) that you enjoy being sexually active. Or to attempt to obliterate an unhappy sexual past. You may also stay in bad relationships and have ‘victim’ sex: getting little or no enjoyment from it and doing it purely for your partner’s pleasure. The implications of this aren’t good – if you have sex for the wrong reasons with the wrong person, you feel used, abused and even more worthless.
TIPS: If you identify with this sex language, it is strongly advised that you to take a break from sex and work through past negative sexual experiences with a good therapist.
Challenge any outdated beliefs, find new, healthier sex role models, perhaps replacing the views of puritanical parents with those of friends you admire. If you’re single, vow to stop having casual sex for a while – it’s not doing you any favours. Instead, build your sexual confidence by doing therapy or, if that’s not for you, through talking with understanding friends or some self-help (there are many excellent books to help you heal from trauma). When you feel better, look for a partner who you feel you might eventually be able to trust. Don’t have sex too early. If you’re unsure of your judgment, introduce potential partners to trustworthy friends for their opinion before getting sexually involved. Finally, trust that a healthy, satisfying sex life is possible for you once you exorcise the demons.
YOUR MATCH: A Therapist. A Romantic is a good choice once you feel more sorted.
I would love to get feedback, questions and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.
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