The good Christian wife, by Anurika Onyelemelam

I have often told my kid sister, Glory, that to be a damn good Christian is not easy! This is why you hear phrases like: ‘Heaven far.’ But hey, we can’t do anything but try to be good Christians.
It’s irksome that most people believe that to be a good Christian wife, a woman has to go to ridiculous length to please her husband. For crying out loud, what about the husband pleasing the wife?
Recently we had a programme in church titled: ‘Singleness of Purpose.’ A lady was invited from another parish to speak on this topic. At the end of her sermon, she brought out men and women in different groups and started asking questions. One of the questions thrown open to the men was what could be done to foster unity on the home front.
And majority of them had gone: the wife had to be submissive, the wife had to be submissive…bla…bla…bla…
The wife has to be submissive or has to be one of the furniture in the room?  They probably meant she has to be a mannequin or puppet or better still a robot, who says, ‘Yes sir and no sir,’ to the order of the husband.
She is supposed to be seen, but not heard.
You may not believe it, but this caveman tactic of marriage and treating women like nothing better than scum of the earth can be found among even Christians and elites, the so-called educated class.
I almost punched my pastor one day when he was on the pulpit, speaking on how a woman could be an excellent person in the home. According to him, an excellent woman should and must be able to prepare food for her husband and family no matter the ungodly hour of the day she returns from office.
She would be found wanting if her husband gets home and she was still trapped in traffic and his food not ready. An excellent woman should be able to stagger into the kitchen after she returns from office, start cooking soup and stew. She should be able to be frying plantain with one hand, while soaking the children’s’ uniform with the other. And carrying out all these domestic chores must and should not stop her from performing her duty in the bedroom said my good pastor.
What the heck is the husband supposed to be doing while this wonder woman is doing all the chores, including getting his food ready? Sit in front of the television, watching Manchester versus Chelsea football match?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. I jumped up from my seat like someone stung by a mad bee. I told pastor point blank that he was talking about a machine with a female shape, not a human being. A good number of women supported me.
Back to the ‘Singleness of Purpose’ programme. When the men kept going on that a good wife has to be submissive to her husband, it crossed my mind that many of them were probably talking about sex. You and I know that a sexually deprived man is not just an angry one, but a bitter one!
When a wife denies her husband sex, and the man is a Christian, he will not behave like other worldly husbands who seek solace in the embrace and between the thighs of another woman. I’m talking of genuine Christian brothers here. Not pangolo ones…fakes!
If the husband is a staunch Christian, he prays about the worrisome situation. If he’s not, he slowly begins to seek another female honey well. Yeah, repeatedly denying your husband of sex, can force him into extramarital affairs. Take that to the banks!
Many good men believe that a good Christian wife should be sexually submissive to her husband whether she’s in the mood or not. I don’t think I agree!
Ha! What a terrible albatross, when sex becomes an ordeal, instead of a pleasure!
If she’s not in the mood and you’re in the mood, what pleasure will you as a guy derive if you impale her between the bed sheet and she’s only muttering that you should get it over with?
No pleasure I tell you. I insist and maintain that there’s nothing sexually more wonderful than for a couple to be in the mood for sex together. The sensation is wonderful. Try it today. It’s only a stupid man who inserts an eager one eyed snake into the indifferent honey pot of a nonchalant wife.
I heard that some women would be on the verge of falling asleep, yet the husband will keep pumping like an idiot.
Most times, you and I know that a babe, who is not in the mood, will lie on the bed like a log of wood. When you as a guy thrusts, she will not respond. She just wants you to pour forth your holy water and roll away from her body. She’s not feeling you!
Tell me truthfully: do you truly enjoy such kind of ‘bedmatic’? Tell me again, what could be more sexually sizzling and hot than for your wife or babe to grab your candy bar and slide it into her warm mouth and start sucking like her life depends on it?
What could be hotter, than for her to suckle those your manly nipples to hard pebble? To make you mourn as passion builds and your candy bar becomes turgid and strain with veins standing out in sharp relief?
Oh, what about the pleasure of using your candy bar, to seek out your wife or babe’s ocean filled impatiently waiting crevices? As your candy bar touches in between her thighs, she shifts impatiently to allow it access into her. Even her impatience intoxicates you, making you heady and giddy with passion. When you impale her, she welcomes you by throwing her legs open to angle 90.
She meets you thrust for thrust and clutches your hard buttocks as if she fears you may remove the candy bar. Yeah, most women love candy bars. So sweet!
That is the best way of going about sex. She wants it…you want it…you both want it and are both determined to have and give each other pleasure at all cost.
Now back to the Singleness of Purpose day….
Clearly bothered by this repetition of a wife has to be submissive, I asked if it also included sexual submission to your husband, even when you’re sick or tired to the bones after a hard day’s work at office or home.
Naturally, this generated a lot of heated discussion. I noticed a lot of women nodding their heads in agreement with my question. But the men still had a lot to complain.
Nawa O! Sex seems not to know or give a shit who is a pastor or a Christian. When they want it, they want it! Whether born again or not, sexual hunger will humble the best of man, woman when the time comes.
One of them insisted that a woman has to submit to her husband, when he needs her. Ha!
The truth is that most men are insensitive to the needs of a woman, especially when they are feeling horny. My kid sister used to say, ‘penis no get sense or conscience. He no even go school.’
The sad fact however is that women, whether housewives or not, are human beings, not supernatural beings, with supernatural powers.
As a guy, you have to be able to realize that your woman could be tired or sick, thus when she says, ‘I’m not in the mood,’ please give her the benefit of the doubt.
You may however become worried if she keeps on coming up with myriad of excuses in order to avoid sexual intercourse with you. Now, that is a real wahala!
As a wife however, a woman should also be sensitive to the needs of her man.  When you claim to be tired or sick, let it be true.
There are women  who say they are tired when it comes to sex with their husbands, but if their friends call or suddenly come for a visit, they start a gist like there’s no tomorrow.
Sex is apparently one of the instruments tearing Christian families apart. It’s worst for a Christian woman or man, who is born again. When his/her spouse denies the person sex, the partner wouldn’t be able to seek satisfaction from another front. He/she wouldn’t dare or want to bang another spouse since it will be contrived as a sin.
This setting brings in sexual frustration and pent up anger. The home may become a battle front, with the walls of the rooms emitting icicles.
A lady explained that sex is an issue in Christendom, which could not be treated with kid gloves. She even insisted that it needed prayers, because it might be a spiritual problem.
She told us about a wife who complained that her husband could bang her up to five or 10 times a day without getting tired. And when she complained, he sulks. It was so bad she had to run to complain to the church.
This is where I have problem with churches. What the heck is the pastor supposed to do? Give his own wife to the randy husband to continue the on slaughter?
An issue of marathon sex abounds in Christian or should I say born again marriages. Why? Good question.
Look at it from my point: the man doesn’t drink, womanize. He doesn’t watch porn or take part in any other sleazy part time activities, which can dampen or release tension/stress of any sort.
So what does he do to enliven his existence after office work and church activities? The only available joy is the honey pot of his wife! Yeah, take that to the bank!
He will want this honey; morning, afternoon and night. Hey, can you blame him? That’s the only fun he allows himself.  This is also why you see some Christian (born-again) marriages, blessed with several kids. They keep banging and having kids and they keep blaming God, saying ‘God gives Children.’  You’d think they had never heard of condom or realized that it’s sold in nearby chemists.
The only part time fun the guy allows himself is also one of the surest channels that produce children. He bangs like dogs and produces children like pigs.
Some men beat up their wives whenever she complains of being tired or sick. Hard to believe but true.
I don’t believe that to be a good Christian wife, a woman will have to submit to crazy sexual demands from her man, whether she’s in the mood or not. To me anyway, mood is everything.
A man, who knows his worth, should know how to put his woman in the mood. There are ways and means to do this. That, however, is a discussion for another day!
A woman is not supposed or meant to be a sexual slave to her man. Many men will say they are the head of the family. But let’s face it, God created the woman to be the helper to the man, not to be a slave. I don’t know why people misquote the holy books to suit themselves.
Let’s not forget that….when the bible says a man is the head of the family, I don’t think it meant sending your wife to an early grave with sex.
If a woman has to do so much to please her man, the man too will have to give his quota. This is what life, marriage is all about. She gives a little, the guy gives a little. I absolutely refuse to believe she will end up in the lake of fire because she says no or I’m not in the mood for sex.