In this part of the world, sexual discussions are seen as a taboo. People find it easier to share their naked bodies with another than to have serious discussions concerning the sexual act itself.
This will explain why there are a lot of misconceptions and unsatisfactory experiences concerning sex.
The sad part is that as long as we remain silent about sexual matters, we will continue to have assumptions, misconceptions and false facts concerning the same.
I know that discussing your sexual history is not exactly something anyone wants to talk about, but sharing your sexual history with your partner can benefit your current relationship if it’s done the right way.
Sexual history is information about your sexual health and sexual experiences. This could include how many times you’ve had sex, how many people you’ve had sex with, if you’ve had any sexually transmitted infection and whether or not it was treated.
If you want to have sex with someone with a sexual past, you need to know if they’ve had a sexual health check. It might feel awkward to discuss your sexual history with a new partner, but it can help you decide how best to look after each other in the future.
You may not want to hear this, but you should have a hard conversation with each new sexual partner about your sexual history, especially in an age when people engage in casual sex to look fashionable or accepted.
Truth be told, the conversation will not be an easy one. You might be thinking: “If they’re comfortable enough to get naked with you, then they should be comfortable enough to talk with you about their sexual history and sexual health.” No. That isn’t always the case.
Not only will this conversation help keep you safe, but it’s also an integral part of intimacy and caring. This means that the sex and your future relationship will be better as a result.
Here are some reasons why you and your (new) partner need to have a conversation about your sexual history:
- To prevent the spread of STDs
- To promote safe sex practices. Condoms only minimise the risk of STIs. They don’t eliminate the risk. So, if you think because you have been using a condom during sex all your life, then you’re 100 per cent safe, no, you’re wrong.
- It facilitates a healthy overall relationship
If, for instance, your (new) partner refuses to have such conversations with you, that should be an indication to let them go. Because I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get involved with someone whose sexual history you know nothing about. Getting involved with such a person is putting your life and health in jeopardy.
But if they’re mature, responsible individuals who are willing to have such conversations, here are some steps to help get you through the conversation from start to finish:
- Go first. Don’t wait for your partner to bring up sex histories.
- Have the conversation sooner, rather than later. Don’t wait till you’re half-naked in bed.
- Stay calm. You might be freaking out, but try to stay calm.
- Seriously consider sharing your body count. Truth be told, you have a right to know how many previous sexual partners your partner has had, and you should expect to share your number, too. Honest communication might help smash some stereotypes, avoid misunderstandings, and make everyone less judgmental.
- Tell each other about past or current STDs. Some might say you don’t need to bring up past bacterial infections (e.g. gonorrhoea, chlamydia, etc) that have been cured with antibiotics, but doing so will not only prove your willingness to be forthright, it will help demystify and de-stigmatize STDs, which are very common and nothing to be ashamed of. If you have a viral infection that’s currently asymptomatic (like genital warts that have been removed), you still definitely need to share that info, since there’s still the possibility of transmission.
- Talk about when you were last tested and for what. This is very important. There is something called the “window period”. The Window Period is the time between when a person is exposed to a bacteria or virus and when a test can accurately detect the organism. HIV, for example, can be detected 23 to 90 days after exposure. So, if you got tested during the window period (which is the period where the virus is undetectable in the body), the test will come out as negative, and you’d think you’re clean, meanwhile, you’re not.
- Don’t forget to bring up abnormal pap smears. They often indicate HPV, the viral STD that everyone has at one point or another
- Be encouraging. Even when someone tells you something you’re not that happy to hear.
- Don’t be discouraged. Even if your partner is the one who doesn’t like what they hear. Being honest is the moral and ethical thing to do
- Insist on condoms and oral sex dams EVERY TIME. They don’t prevent everything all of the time, but when used correctly they do help significantly reduce the risk. Once you’ve been thoroughly tested together for all STIs, trust each other explicitly, and have verbally agreed to a committed monogamous relationship, then and only then can you discuss forgoing the condoms. Just make sure you have another reliable form of birth control
How do I have the conversation?
- Do it in private.
- Keep in mind that it’s very important to share this information.
- Remember that you’re not the first people on the planet to have this conversation.
- Use the conversation to communicate what you enjoy in a sexual relationship.
What should you expect?
Jealousy: Hearing about your new love’s sexual activities with someone else can make you feel jealous. Just remember – that was in the past; they’re with you now.
Hurt: I know it’s difficult to hear about someone you care about having sex with someone else. But they weren’t committed to you when it happened, so take a deep breath and move on to the present.
Embarrassment: Some people exaggerate or minimise the number of people they’ve had sex with because they think the true number is either too little or too many. There’s no right number of people to have slept with, so just be honest about it.
I believe that having this kind of intimate discussion will not only help you to know your partner better, but it can also create a bonding experience. This weekend may be a good time to bring this up.
I would love to get feedback, questions, and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.
Let’s meet tonight (Friday) in the chatroom. If you want to be a part of it, send me a message on Telegram at: @tiwa_says. Chatroom opens at 10pm every Friday.
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