I thought I had seen it all this year, but I was proven wrong. As I was enjoying a leisurely evening at a neighbor’s get-together the other day, another neighbor of mine walked in with a man, who I quickly realized was not her husband from her. While I was wondering who the strange man was, the lady seated beside me tapped me, nodded at the couple, and sneered. I was intrigued by her reaction from her and itched to know more, so I asked her who the man was.
The lady told me that the man is the woman’s lover, and that my neighbor had recently separated from her husband.
Now, the picture was getting clearer. The lady enlightened me further by letting me know that this neighbor of mine left her husband because of sexual incompatibility… according to her, she wasn’t getting enough sex in the marriage, and her husband didn’t believe in any other style , but the missionary style. They had been married for 10 years and there was no improvement even after several complaints.
I didn’t bother to ask her how she got this information. I was more interested in the gist. I could tell that the lady filling me in with this information berated this woman for her decision of her to end her marriage on the premise of sexual dissatisfaction and to have the audacity to show off her new lover of her.
I on the other hand was fascinated with the fact women had begun to make self-worth a priority and make decisions based on that.
With that out of the way, I believe that the issue of sexual dissatisfaction needs to be delved into consciously and seriously. It is one of the major causes of breakups in a lot of relationships, especially marriage. It is frustrating to know that in a society like ours, people are still not comfortable talking about sex. So it makes it especially difficult for women to share their expectations about sex.
A lot of couples do not talk to each other openly about their sexual needs, pleasures, fantasies and boundaries. Yet the only way women and even men can get maximum satisfaction sexually is if they become aware of their sexual needs and voice the same to their partners.
Gone are the days when women see themselves just as tools for men’s pleasure. Women deserve and should get pleasure too. A lack of communication between partners about sexual needs oftentimes leads to hostility towards one another, which can end in divorce. This can also make some people feel the need to explore sexual relations with other people in the quest for sexual satisfaction.
It was discovered from a study that a lot of people still find it difficult to discuss sexual matters with their partner. In such cases, seeking professional expert help will be advisable.
It is a given that most men assume their partners are happy with their sexual lives, especially because the women do not speak up about their needs and desires, probably for fear of being punished or seen as asking for too much…owing to a learned belief that women have no right to their pleasure or the belief that a woman derives pleasure mainly by being penetrated by a penis.
Interestingly, research has shown that a large percentage of women do not reach orgasm by penetration. There are other forms of sexual activities that can take a woman to sexual bliss… if the man is interested.
Also, a great number of men are dealing with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, which leaves more women sexually unhappy, but the men refuse to acknowledge these problems a lot of times because of the stigma. This only makes the matter worse, leaving the women with less chance of achieving sexual satisfaction.
This is not to say that men are also not affected by this. A lot of men are not pleased with their sexual life with their partners, but it is easier for them because they seek the easy way out… that is having relationships outside of their primary relationship to release their sexual tension and explore other possibilities. It is easy for the men because society allows for the man to philander but frowns at a woman doing the same.
However, I am a firm believer in the fact that couples need to discuss their sexual orientation, expectation needs, and desires very early in a relationship to determine how to move forward in that relationship. Like it or not, sexual compatibility is a very integral part of a sexual relationship. It is not something to be blindsided about or something to leave a chance.
I know some couples have been together for a long time and enduring a bad/boring sex life, it almost seems like the norm. Let me reiterate that sex is to be enjoyed nor endured. There are pleasures beyond your wildest imagination if you are willing to put in the work and explore. It doesn’t matter how long you have been with your partner, a great sex life is still achievable.
Be that as it may, if you are looking to turn your sex life around, here are a few tips:
1. Communication: Some people may find this uncomfortable, but it remains the most effective tool there is. Communication is key. Your partner needs to know what your expectations are. And you both need to communicate your needs and how you would want them to be met. What works for you may not work for your partner. So you have to be able to reach a compromise.
2. Say what you want: The truth is, your partner is not a mind reader and if you don’t tell him/her what you want and how you want to be pleasured, you may just as well be suffering in silence. There is no shame in voicing out your sexual needs and even fantasies. It only enables your partner to better understand you. And this, in turn, will result in a more pleasurable sexual experience.
3. Keep routine out of the way: Routine makes sex boring and less exciting. Step out of the limiting box you have created for yourselves and have new experiences…who says you can only have sex in the bedroom…why don’t you try the kitchen or even in the bathroom…you don’t Don’t have to keep the lights off all the time… keep the lights on and look into your partner’s eyes as you pleasure him/her. There’s so much more to explore and enjoy. Don’t shortchange yourself.
4. Experiment with toys: Toys are pleasure enhancers, not threats or replacements as some people view them. Sharing a sex toy with your partner is a sure way to spice things up. There are a variety of toys for solo and shared pleasure. Using a toy can also aid in discovering your pleasure points and help your partner know how better to pleasure you.
5. Keep the flame burning: This is especially relevant for couples who have been together for a while. Don’t let the passion die. Flirt with your partner like you just met him / her from her. Engage in new and exciting things to keep the relationship interesting.
Lastly, like I always advocate: Do what works for you. Don’t try to model other people’s relationships because what works for them may not work for you. Find your uniqueness, embrace it and explore it. After all, pleasure is the goal.
I would love to get feedback, questions and recommendations on the topics you would want me to shed light on.
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