Healing from a relationship with an avoidant lover is one of the most emotionally complex journeys you can take. It’s a process that requires honesty, self-compassion, and the courage to face patterns you may have ignored for too long. When you love someone who keeps you at arm’s length, someone who recoils from intimacy, avoids vulnerability, and seems to retreat just when you need closeness, it’s easy to internalise their distance as a reflection of your own worth. But the truth is, their avoidance is not about you; it’s about their own fears and wounds.
If you find yourself feeling drained, anxious, or perpetually “not enough” after loving an avoidant partner, here’s how to begin healing:
1. Avoidant attachment develops when someone learns, often in childhood, that emotional closeness is risky or unrewarding. As adults, avoidant protect themselves by keeping others at a distance, suppressing their own needs, and avoiding deep conversations or displays of vulnerability. In relationships, this can leave their partners feeling isolated, rejected, or starved for affection. Recognise that your pain is real and that it’s not your job to “fix” or chase someone who is unwilling or unable to meet you emotionally.
2. Letting go of an avoidant lover means grieving not just the relationship, but the hope that your love could change them. It’s normal to feel sadness, anger, and even guilt. Allow yourself to feel these emotions fully, without judgment. Journaling, talking with trusted friends, or seeking therapy can help you process the loss and begin to heal.
3. Avoidant relationships often create a cycle where you give more and more, hoping for reciprocity that never comes. To heal, you need to break this cycle:
Reduce communication. Shift your focus. Rebalance your life, and detach. Detachment is not about bitterness; it’s about self-preservation and reclaiming your emotional space.
4. If you were drawn to an avoidant partner, it’s worth exploring your own attachment style. Are you anxious, seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment? Do you tend to over-function in relationships, hoping your love will be enough for both of you? Healing means recognising these patterns and working to build a more secure sense of self-worth, independent of anyone else’s approval.
5. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from an avoidant relationship can trigger self-doubt and shame, especially if you blame yourself for the relationship’s struggles. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
6. Healing from avoidant love is not something you have to do alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide the emotional safety and validation you may have missed in your relationship.
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7. Every relationship, even the painful ones, offer lessons. Ask yourself:
What did I learn about my needs, boundaries, and patterns?
How can I use this experience to choose differently in the future?
What do I want and deserve in my next relationship?
Reframing your story is about moving from self-blame to self-awareness and growth.
8. Imagine yourself in a relationship where love flows both ways. Where you don’t have to chase, justify, or shrink yourself to be loved. Visualise what it feels like to be met, valued, and cherished for who you are. Use this vision to guide your choices moving forward, and trust that you are worthy of the connection you seek.
Healing is not about changing the avoidant. It’s about choosing yourself, again and again, until your heart feels whole. And this time, you can choose a love that chooses you back.
Yours in #emotionalintelligence, Oyinkansola Alabi, The Emotions Doctor.
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