Facebook love or madness (2), by Anurika Onyelemelam

…If you think Uncle John’s experience was wacko, then you’ve not seen nor heard anything yet!
Two weeks ago, I was with a colleague, Donald. We were chatting when his phone beeped. He had received a text message.
The message was from a complete stranger…a lady who saw his profile picture on Facebook and fell in love or lust. The choice is yours.
Grinning like he was a sort of a super stud, Donald showed me the text. It was embarrassing to say the least.
Donald pointed out the obvious.
What’s the obvious you ask?
She called him baby….
And Donald, while feeling the euphoria of being chased…I mean he was an old guy, just like me….but apparently feeling young again…a deceitful way to feel at that age cos a young babe is toasting him… he lambasted the unseen babe.
His words: “How can she call me baby….somebody she had not met one on one?”
Who’s he asking?
The text message was all that was needed for him to start regaling me with his Facebook sex exploits.
Get ready for this…are you ready to hear this?…don’t want you fainting on me…ready to go?
Okay…Donald told me he had banged over nine ladies whom he connected through Facebook!
I was shocked! Stunned, floored, flabbergasted…which other words, adjective can I use?
Yes, I know…grammar o ti poju…but you see, I used to speak grammar like that when I’m moved by the spirit. Somebody say alleluia!
I didn’t know sex had become as cheap as chewing gum of N5.
I actually wanted to say as cheap as sachet water, but quickly remembered that sachet water is now N10…abeg, na big money be that!
Does it mean that these days, all you have to do, is to meet the guy on Facebook and the next thing, you’re both hitting the sack and shouting hummm! Haaaaaa!?
Lord have mercy!
I discussed this shocking discovery and revelation of Donald with a male friend of mine and he didn’t even break into a sweat…he was not shocked…in fact, he was shocked that I was shocked…
He told me that I was the only person these days making a fuss over sex…like it was nothing…sex these days is like eating popcorn, while watching DSTV. Too easy!
Is that what the multi-social media has caused or had it always been like that? Perhaps I’m suffering from Old School syndrome?
What’s ails me?…please somebody tell me! Do I  need a shrink?
Am I too old fashioned, too conservative, too parochial or what?
I don’t know, but I apparently need help to come to terms with the moral laxity pervading our society these days.
And the girl in question that sent Donald the text told him that she liked his profile and dialed his phone number – which the randy goat – had conveniently left on his profile.
The lies, deceit on these social sites are appalling! And it’s not just Facebook…it’s happening on every social site.
Donald told me that sometimes, men will put a girl’s picture on their profile and start chatting up other men, pretending to be females.
When it gets to the stage of exchanging phone numbers and calling each other, they’ll try to change their voices on phone, so as to sound like a female. Beats me how they hoped to milk the guy of his money…will they later use a real girl to dupe the guy?
“But I’ve always found out such men!” boomed Donald. “Once they call and I start suspecting such a person, I usually play along. Then after a day or two, I will use another number to call the person. Not expecting it would be me, the person will answer in his real voice. I’ll ask if the phone didn’t belong to this or that girl, the guy will say, she’s his younger sister. That she just stepped out of the room. We know such gimmicks!”
I asked him the thing upper most in my mind.
Did he put on his profile that he is married?
He gave me a disgusted look and said, “hell no!”
That settles it then…he knew what he’s doing…it’s not just a random thing…happening by chance. Gosh! The guy is a serial banging SOB!
Where does he bang them?
A great smile crested his face…no doubt memories of babes he had slaughtered were juggling through his mind eyes…maybe he even took them through….uggg!
Told me that they used to go to hotels to do it.
And do you guys know the next appalling thing?
He used to bang these babes just on the first day of meeting them! Can you beat that? Jeez!
I even heard that professional prostitutes are also now on Facebook.
You check out the profile, pick a babe that appeals to you and bang, you connect her. She comes round to service the guy and he pays…both shake hands…
“Gosh sir! It was nice doing business with you…you have my cell phone… call me when you need…,” she would simper.
Is the social network making us less moral and more sexually permissive or what?
And if you think this nonsense is only found among youngsters you’re sadly mistaken.
A married guy, who is dating a married woman, recently complained bitterly that he discovered that his mistress took a snapshot of herself, stark naked, while bathing, with the BlackBerry phone he bought for her and sent it to a guy she met on Facebook!
Unbelievable! Incredible!
But the guy dey mad no be small!
He’s banging the wife of another man and actually had the effrontery to complain when she started looking at the direction of another guy…
He’s a stupid man!
If he’s complaining about her, what does he expect the woman’s legal husband to do about him? Slap him on the back and say, “Go on man, continue to ride my wife well for me!?”
My friend Felicia told me that she was really sick and tired of most of the social media these days.
Facebook, Skype, Badoo and what have you.
I asked her the same question. She used to be sucker for such.
She told me that these days, whenever she connects with a friend, always male, the next thing the guy will ask her the size of her arse, boobs and other such nonsense. Some even asked for her to take a picture of her boobs and send to them!
There was a time she met a guy online. He sounded nice and responsible, she said. He was not in Lagos State…I think somewhere in the East…but he came to Lagos to look for her.
She took him to her flat…she was not expecting him to make any move…but trust Naija guys… he made a move and she kicked him out that night!
Can you blame the guy for expecting a little exercise between the bed sheets? So many girls are waiting, just to serve it to him, hot and sizzling…without any holds barrel!
She told me that what pissed her off so much was the fact that when the guy knelt down and begged her to just allow him bang her, only once, she noticed his erection etched out through his trousers and knew that in a million years, she would never allow him to plunder her jungle.
She had actually nursed the idea of dating him after they had been chatting for long, but that erection, put paid to the notion.
She said his manhood was just too small!
You said pheeeew! Same thing I did on that fateful day! Bros, no bi small tin O!…some babes dey crazy for big sticks!
My sister, na men wey get small candy bar, na dem dey wahala babes pass! Na wetin sef!
The way they go on, you’d think they would be a storm in bed…just go ahead and try them out and you’ll discover they can only cause a ripple in bed…insignificant!
Truth be told, empty barrels always make the most noise!
Let’s not forget Obby. She met the guy through one of the social media and a relationship developed.
She was in Lagos and the guy was in Abuja. The air became thick with love. The yearning to meet each other grew.
The guy sent money and pronto, she went to Abuja to see him. They met and smiled shyly at each other.
Oh, boy, is love in the air or what!
He had already booked her into a nice hotel. After chatting and asking nonsensical questions, he touched her.
I don’t where the touching started, but I know where it ended…no, you fail the guessing game! They didn’t end in bed!
The guy was a strange person. As he caressed her mountains, she responded, didn’t demure. Then he got to the valley between her thighs. There was no obstruction, no protest from the girl. He combed and flicked through the thickened forest.
He made her come, but didn’t bother to remove his own clothes. After that, it was all business. He didn’t touch her again, didn’t even spend the night with her in the hotel. The next day, he bundled into the flight heading to Lagos and till date, she had not heard even a whisper from him.
What the heck happened?
You’re asking me? Do I look like the guy who saw tomorrow?
I’m a journalist, not a psychic! There’s a limit to what a babe like I can do!
What about my friend Geoff? If not because he is an honourable guy, he would have fallen yakata!
The babe was all over him, like honey abi na butter over bread…and yet he had stubbornly refused to bow to the intoxicating power of her kini.
That’s my man Geoff!
And you’d be proud of Geoff too, if you had seen the babe. You know those types of girls that Baba God created after he had rested and was not in a hurry. The nose, shape, face and vital statistics were all in the right places.
She was breathtaking…with a sinful body, shimmering in her clothes, capable of doing something to a saint’s system.
She was sin personified…and when she smiles…her smiles reaches her eyes….the eyes? Filled with promises of pleasures untold…
This was the time bomb that confronted Geoff …I guessed he must have swallowed the lump that gathered in his throat as he beheld her beauty, encased in a Venus kind of body.
Geoff must have hurriedly unknotted his tie, as he seemed to lose oxygen.
The message in his head conflicted with the message in his pant.
I better tell you how it happened…bet you’re dying to know…yeah, I’m dying to tell it.
Geoff was at Abuja…oh, by the way, did I remember to tell you that he’s a journalist?
Anyway, there he was, in Abuja, to do a story, but the person he was supposed to interview rescheduled.
He was in his hotel…feeling bored to tears…he thought to kill time by logging onto Badoo.
And there she was on line…
One chat after another…another chat after another…
Little information passed between them until she realized he was in Abuja, just like her. When she realized he was in his hotel alone, she wanted to come over.
Geoff was a gentleman… he didn’t like hurting a lady’s feeling, but he also didn’t want to jump to the wrong conclusion.
Better give her the benefit of the doubt; she might just want to have a drink with him.
Boo! And pigs can fly!
She came over….more like she flew over…she came over too fast…probably didn’t want Geoff to have a change of heart over inviting her.
When he caught sight of her…his breath seemed to knock out of his body…it seemed to him that he stopped breathing for five minutes before he came to his senses.
He took her to dinner and they did a little chitchat.
She soon got bored with the conversation and felt she needed to hurry Geoff up.
“Let’s go to your hotel room,” she said with invitation shining in her eyes.
Geoff almost choked on his glass of drink…he coughed…spluttered. How can a babe be so bold?
“For what?” he asked.
She told him precisely and he turned her down diplomatically.
Way to go Geoff!
Recounting the incident, Geoff was shocked that the babe boldly made the move and wanted to spend the night with him.
No doubt she would have expected him to ‘settle’ after the banging. This sort of thing…you don’t say everything with your mouth…you say little and make moves, it’s left for the guy to figure out the rest.
When internet came into existence, a lot of people, including yours sincerely, were awed, intrigued and happy about it.
But trust human being, they have turned it into something nasty!
I had never been able to understand why grown up men and women make friends through internet, ensnare and enchant them to the extent that many of them believe they are in love. And this men and women would later exploit these emotionally smitten fools to their detriment.
Just like so many things in life, the internet is not an exception. It embraces the good, bad and ugly.
Internet has helped many people in gathering of information, among other things. It had even made some people rich beyond their wildest imagination. Nay, I’m not talking about cybercrime. Don’t you know that there are men and women out there who do their businesses and banking legitimately only through the internet?
I remember Madam Bisi. She was living in London. Until a guy took her to the cleaners. She was said to have picked the guy from the gutters in London, bath him to the extent that he became the toast of her friends. She would later discover that she had no future with the guy because he already had a wife in Nigeria. I heard that she came to visit her folks in Nigeria, only to go back to London and discover her apartment and bank account had been cleaned sparkling clean!
Men! Yes, I agree with you. You can’t have em, yet you can’t leave em!
She told me her story when I met her. She was buying and selling converters through internet.
I too had had a horrible experience via this nonsense. Just remembering it….sniff…sniff…I think I’m gonna crrrrrrrrrrrry….no guy will ever play me for a fool again!