I got your letter and it pained me exceedingly that you’re going through such pains and misery. But there are many women in your shoes. They know and understand what you’re going through. They’ve been there and some are still there. But before any drastic step is taken, please think deeply.
Let’s me quickly tell you the story of two ladies that were close to me. Nay, I should not have said close to me. I should have been factual with you. They were not actually close, but they were my neighbours. In the housing system of face-me-I-face-you compound, you learn to co-habit and listen to tales of woes even when you really don’t give a crap.
So it was, one of the ladies was always quarreling with her husband. These quarrels usually start at about 2am or 3am. You know what that means? Yeah sister, banging time for most men who usually come home late like this lady’s husband.
We soon got used to listening to them most nights and early hours of the mornings.
They were always fighting over – of all things – sex!
The man usually wanted it bad, but the woman wouldn’t play ball. She guarded it, like she was guarding the entrance to Aladin cave, which is filled with treasures!
When she was asked why she kept denying her poor husband sex, she said his manhood was like something sodden with pepper! Can you beat that?
But the most galling part, to me anyway, was that we all knew who she was giving her honey to. A mere boy!
Her husband would give her ‘chop money’ every morning before he leaves home for work and she would scrounge just to be able to save enough to give to the young man.
Then there is the story of another lady. Still in the same compound. You wouldn’t be far from wrong if you call that compound, Fuji House of Commotion!
Her fights with her husband were not usually in the nights, but anytime of the day. Theirs were not just quarrels but physical combat like their lives depended on the outcome of the fight.
Whenever they started, nosy neighbours like me would peep into the room, ostensibly to separate them, but really to watch and listen as they hurled insults at each other. The bad thing about this set up was that their children were always at hand to watch, mostly crying. The kids couldn’t understand why mum and Dad were always fighting.
It was only a matter of time before the lady confessed to me that her husband’s sexual drive was unbearable for her. Whenever she said no, he would want to start acting all macho, implementing the ‘violence taketh it by force’ doctrine.
And if she repeatedly said no, he would punish her and the children by not providing ‘chop money’ for them. Whenever she gives it to him, left, centre and forward, he would be full of smiles, grinning from ear to ear like the cat that got the cream.
That shows you the power of sex in marriage.
Now these are both men. Most Nigerian men consider themselves as virile and wouldn’t be caught dead, complaining to anybody, let alone doctors or their wives that they had suddenly lost their sexual desires and interest in their wives.
Most men want to be seen as studs. They see themselves as macho and like regaling their friends in beer parlours with their exploits in bed, whether real or imagined.
You know I have always said it…most men that brag about their exploits in bed, are actually an apology in bed. It’s the quiet ones that are actually and usually tigers in bed. To me, a guy who turns squeamish at the thought of suckling his woman’s honey well is an apology. He has not really gone through the four walls of the school of love making, neither had he been baptized in the act of sexuality.
So when he suddenly loses his sexual desire for his wife, he wouldn’t like anyone to know, let alone his wife, because it will seem a slight on his manhood or manliness.
We all know the value placed on a guy’s virility in bed in Nigeria! A man who suffers from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation will go to any length to make the three dangling family members between his thighs to be alright.
This is also probably why most of these aphrodisiac, peddled by illiterate men and women, sell like hot cakes. I have often warned people to be careful of such drugs. You never know what the adverse effect might be.
I heard a story of a guy who took some of those orthodox aphrodisiacs and couldn’t find anything, even after several rounds of sex, to make his manhood go down. He even had to use ice water and ice cubes, yet the thing stubbornly remained erect. He had to go about with an alarming erection for lord knows how long. It was an erection even an agbada couldn’t disguise.
What did you just ask me?…what he finally did to have it down? Well, I don’t know…are you planning to go through the same route?
In Nigeria, if you call a guy okobo, he will fight you to death with his last breath.
Okobo means a guy who can’t perform in bed. No guy wants anybody, especially a woman, to see him as okobo. Women naturally shy away from such men.
Men are expected to chase, pursue and demand sex from their wives. These are attributes that make him a man. Thus, when he starts experiencing sexual problems, he would rather die than talk to his wife or doctor about it.
This is actually when a guy needs to realize that a wife is more than a woman, opening an indifferent vagina, to a willing or drunken electric pole of her husband!
A wife is not a figure head, pretty household furniture…neither is she a factory for producing babies. She is a human being, intelligent. One you can and should speak with about such problems.
But most men, because of the customs, culture, traditions that come with rose tinted glasses of what a guy should be in bed, will never open up. Thus they start starving their wives of sex!
When its time for sex, they start regaling their wives with ‘tales by moonlight.’
Some men even become openly hostile. Some take out their sexual frustrations on their innocent wives, who often will resort to nagging and criticize when they want his shaft buried inside their warm crevices and couldn’t get him to be interested.
The woman may become confused and might react with hostility. Domestic violence may break out. The home may become too hot, with dagger looks shooting here and there.
Cold war may break out, with the couple speaking to each other through nostrils, children or worst of all, letters!
There are a lot of women living in sexual misery in their husband’s homes. They want sex, but can’t have it because their husbands who have the veto power, have refused to satisfy them. True, a good number of women may resort to extra-marital affairs, but such is often not an African style or way of doing things.
Many will rather put up with their miseries, soon seeking solace in religion, believing that their husbands will change some day or come back from the evil spell that an unknown woman had cast on him.
Some men starve their wives of sex because they have no choice. They have sexual problems, which may demand the attention of a medical doctor.
But many of them wouldn’t want to see a doctor! But many use sex as a tool of punishment on a wife they believe has erred or offended them. What nonsense! Such men know that their wives in a million years will never go outside the matrimonial home to seek sexual gratification.
This is why most Nigerian men will come home to Nigeria, get married and jet back to foreign land, leaving their wives behind. They will never do that or take such chances with their foreign wives of course.
I must quickly add here that if a husband starts starving his wife of sex, it necessarily doesn’t mean that he is cheating on her with another woman.
Why, Nigerian men are known studs! Yeah sister, take that to the bank! This is why many white women would do anything and everything to get shackled to them for life!
They are born studs. So what the heck am I trying to say? If he’s cheating on you, balling another babe, the chances that he will still come home to ball you is very high.
Except in some extreme cases like a situation where a desperate lady had cooked efo (vegetable) for him to eat. Some of such efo soups are prepared with water used in washing out the honey well of the desperado, depending on the instructions of the babalawo of course! Ugg!
The goal is to get the legal wife out of the matrimonial home. Please don’t laugh, such juju are real and powerful! It’s always better never to laugh at something you don’t or can’t comprehend. There are dark forces whether you believe it or not!
There are various reasons why some men may starve their wives of sex….
To be continued.